"Look at me, oh look at me, is this the way I've always been?"

It has been a really eventful week, I suppose. Monday I lectured my first class at Uni. I felt like I totally choked and forgot all my big girl words. It was like a nightmare. I am sure it didn't go as bad as I thought it did, but at the time, I had the worst dry mouth, was sweaty as hell and fidgeting like no other. I realize that I didn't prep as much as I should have. I spent all my free time playing Cityville on facebook and watching romantic comedies. This is not the way to prepare for a lecture in front of almost 200 people.

Sometimes I need a kick in the ass or for something really embarrassing to happen in order to make a change in my life. Monday night after class, I ran into Louise on the street and made her come get a happy hour drink with me. I needed to forget how horrible i thought it went. All of the reflecting that I was doing was exacerbated by drinking, and my medications made me want to drink more. Finally, after about 4 glasses of wine and 2 bottles of bubbly, I spewed all over Jamses' bed and floor.

I had remembered in February thinking about taking a 2 week break from alcohol. This seemed like the right time to do it. So, Starting on the first of March (Tuesday) I decided to give up drinking for 2 weeks. This is a challenge. I don't think I have gone without a drink for 2 weeks since I was 20. I realize that I depend on it a lot to forget about things that I worry about, but I think in reality it perpetuates my worries because I worry that I need a drink all the time and drinks cost money which I don't have. Yeah, my life may be slightly less eventful for a little while, but at least I will remember what is going on. I do remember, back before I became dependent on alcohol, that things meant a lot more.

I am actually hoping that this 2 weeks teaches me something, that I don't need to drink as much as I thought I did, and that I don't have to drink at every social event, and that I can be fun and social without alcohol.

If I don't drink as much, then eventually I think I will give up smoking, since the time when I am most inclined to smoke is when I am drinking. I think this will be a turning point in my life. I need to see things clearer, to know where I am going. Because I know where I am going is great, and I don't want to miss my exit and get lost in the haze.

New Beginnings!

Things have been much better lately. I actually LOVE teaching and have found it to be really rewarding. I just posted grades last night. I got my schedule for next semester and it kind of sucks because I will have to work during my Paper Tiger meetings and I have to wake up at 6:30 twice a week.

I have been getting a bit of seasonal depression, but I leave for St. Martin in 2 days and then I am going to Miami with some friends in January.

Winters are too long in NY. I keep telling myself that I am going to move to California for school. I applied to 4 schools there, but I have a feeling I will wind up going to Steinhardt at NYU instead. It is the perfect program for me, I just wish it were located on the west coast.

OH! I am so excited. I made prospective travel plans for the summer. I will be visiting my friend Elsa in France for a couple of weeks and then I am going to meet up with my friend Melissa and probably go to Berlin and maybe Amsterdam. Then in August, I am going to go back to Taiwan, and hopefully Thailand/Bangkok or Hong Kong.

I hope that 2010 will be better than 2009. As for my reflecting on the good times of 2009. I have a few positive notes to make.
-Graduating Columbia
-Going to Taiwan
-Starting Teaching
-Applying to schools
-Writing Music

Tarot

So I have been stressin' over switching from vacation, clear-headed Nico to work-oriented, stressed-out Nico. I have remained calm on the inside, but I have noticed that my interactions have shifted, in a way. I did my Tarot cards last night. I don't know how much I believe that Tarot works for everyone, I just find it to be a good way to channel my energy and produce something positive. It gives me a chance to focus and interpret and hopefully make positive changes. Last night, I did a really good reading. It described where I am, where I am headed, what is difficult for me, what i understand and what my ultimate goal. is. The first card I drew, symbolizing my past, was 'Death'. This is actually not meant to represent death in the morbid sense, but a death which leads to a new beginning. In my case, it symbolized the end of my summer, and the beginning of my heightened awareness of my self, and of course the birth of my new work schedule. This card also implies a heightened consciousness, because in ancient tarot beliefs, death was a new start into a more spiritual life. The second card, symbolizing where I am headed was the Queen of Swords. This card symbolizes a heightened awareness of situations occurring around the individual. It may represent solitude and loneliness, but only as a result of a renewed consciousness. I have noticed that things do not affect me like they once have. Like I float above and perceive happenings as temporal and quotidian, only lasting a short time and not concerning me. These two cards really helped me to see where I am headed and to accept these changes as a part of my intellectual and wanderlust-prone life.

A 22 Page Rough Draft.

Since my mind has been so clear, I have been working very well. I think it has something to do with not understanding the language here. Normally, when I overhear people's conversations it allows me to put them in a box, in one way or another and things get boring because of that, because you are able to assume what other people are thinking. I guess that's why reading minds would be a boring superpower because after a while you would be able to predict everything people were about to say. At first, I have to say, I was scared because I can barely read or understand the world around me, but now I have come to find peace in it.

Anyway, this fresh state of mind has allowed me to work on my article what I want to try to get published. I am writing about pharmaceutical direct to consumer ads on the internet. I am looking at the direct and indirect ways of marketing and comparing internet ads to the previous forms of television and print. I will also be looking at these advertisements with regards to gender, age and race and who is most commonly targeted. I will also be looking at the medicalization, or recent surge of made up illness, and the designer drugs that are allowing this pill-popping craze to take over America and New Zealand. So far I have a 22 pg rough draft. It is nowhere near done, but it is nice to know that I am on the path.

Productivity.

After my awesome day to myself, I woke up the next morning with a vigorous start. I went to KGB and got a delicious burger and started on my assignment. I am trying to get published an article about pharmaceutical direct to consumer ads on the internet. I e-mailed my advisor and am on my way to being published in either ASA, SASE or ESS. I spent hours at my computer, wrote about 10 pages and did ethnographic research. It felt really really good to get this assignment underway. I came home to a sleeping Cresensio and talked to Boppy for an hour. We then got food and chilled for the rest of the night. I did yoga! For one of the first times here. I need to start doing it everyday again. I will when I get home, its just hard here because I do not have my own space. I just learned though that strength comes from within. I am capable of anything if I use my strength from within.

Playing Solitaire

Saturday I didn't quite feel the same. I had a great night and really enjoyed meeting a bunch of people. I just had to have this really introspective moment, where I stayed at home while everyone went to this really awesome all-night jungle, drum and bass party. I know I totally would have enjoyed it. I wrote and I watched the L word. I recharged my batteries, I gained a new way to look at the world, I did my tarot, I found a new way to approach life. I am less certain than I once was, I am learning to reconstruct myself by way of avoiding my demons. I am in a good place. I am happy, really happy.

Solo Excursion #2

Today I went out by myself to Shadaa. I went to this coffee house called insomnia, got some lunch and tried to get started on my applications. I decided that I will be applying to 6 programs. 6 is my lucky number, and applying to more than that would seem like too much to me. If i get into one program i have a 50% chance of moving to California and a 50% chance of staying in NY. I also have 2/6 chance of doing a media studies program instead of a sociology one. This is the stats if all programs are equally likely. Who really knows. I ordered curry chicken for lunch and the chicken had a lot of bones that were unfamiliar to me. I wonder what part of the chicken my meal was made of. Anyway, after finally buying a face mask for the unruly smog conditions, I took a train to the Taipei 101 building (aka the tallest building in the world). I went to this amazing book store eslite and found the tao te ching, which I had been meaning to get since I got here. I also did some other research and decided that if I get into a media studies program, I want to do my dissertation on Facebook and privacy in the age of the internet, and the changing cultural values brought about by celebritism. Now I must get ice cream and water and take ambien with Cres. <3

I'm Freakin' Out

Okay. So I have been really manic depressive lately. I just want to sit in my room and watch The L Word. I finished moving all my stuff and am thus, a resident on Long Island once again. I have so much shit in my bedroom and I can't make heads or tails of it. I hate it when my personal belongings are in a chaotic mess. The whole time I lived away from home, I have to say that my room was clean, at least cleaner than the rest of the apt. Now i have years of old items that I can't seem to get rid of, taking up space and clouding my mind. I hate it.

I am still really sad about blair. I really, really liked him. I have been feeling like maybe this happened to me because I come off as desperate. When I go to Taiwan I will work on my inner-self and self-worth. I keep reading a lot about Taoism, Daoism, Confucianism and Buddhism. These are all peaceful and work through knowledge of the self, in relation to the world around. In order to understand the universe, one must understand oneself first. I thought I had a pretty good understanding of myself, but I can always work more on that. I think its pretty cool that Taiwan doesn't subscribe to Christianity. I would really like to do a sociological study of how this affects their national mantra, as opposed to gentile countries. From what I have been reading, their psychological, peaceful outlook is incredible and life-changing. I know this type of indoctrinated, peace-keeping mentality is mostly due to the roots of this tiny, chinese-inspired island; however, it won't hurt to try to relate the psycho-social aspects of their world to my own.

I am sad also because I haven't been able to say goodbye to some people (Carrie, in particular). Normally, this may not bother me, but the emotional state I am in is pretty needy, even though I like to sit by myself a lot and think and cry. I feel like I push her away a lot when I get sad, and when she gets sad I push her away too because thats what I think I want when I am sad. I feel like Carrie and my relationship can be likened to a married couple, at times. We are very different and that is how it works. I could never be with someone too much like me, because I drive myself crazy. I know I need to learn how to regulate my mood swings and learn how to deal with my inner turmoil, and I hope to do this. I am just going through crap right now and haven't felt like meditating or doing yoga or anything that usually makes me feel better; and I don't ever want to go back on anti-depressants.

I am kind of sad about losing some of my independence. I hate the fact that I need to let mom know when I need the car. I know this is a temporary phase, but it is still restraining my personal freedom.

I am also sad that the summer is over. However, I shouldn't be allowed to complain about this because I am going away for almost a whole month. I am just really sad that I can feel it is getting colder, and I cannot go to Robert Moses 5 anymore this year.

I feel like it helps to note why I am feeling sad, just so I can understand better, and alleviate some issues. Lately, I feel like all I do is cry. Cry and drink.

I leave for Taiwan tomorrow night. I hope the plane rides don't suck.

Time Constraints

I just realized that I have to prepare to go to Taiwan and move out in about 2 weeks. I am not exactly stressed about it yet, as I have been avoiding the thought, but I really need to get on the ball. I am also sad that summer is almost over and I have to start worrying about real life again soon. Oh well. Here it comes.

Sudden Realization.

While sitting in the backseat of Jenn's Jetta last night, letting the breeze caress my face on the way back to Long Island, I realized something. I am exactly where I want to be. It's funny how, when you describe yourself, (what you are doing with your life and so on) to someone you either haven't seen in a while or someone you know a great deal about, you can catch a glimpse of what they see and objectively view your persona.

Though I spend a great deal of time talking about myself, last night someone asked me, 'what are you doing to keep busy' and I said I make videos and I am in a band. I have always been in school up until now. I am glad to say that both of my pseudo-jobs give me a creative outlet where I can be in the spotlight when I want to be. I mean, I am not starved for attention or anything, but I do like to talk and be heard. This year or these two years are my time to enjoy my young 20-somethings. Not that I won't enjoy them after this time is up. I need to just focus on the here and now and soak it up because everything is temporary. It is great though. I am satisfied at the moment.

A Turning of Tables

I don't know why, but for some reason recently I feel like my generally happy-go-lucky outlook has been misplaced. This is due to no fault of my own, I believe its something bigger than me that is causing this rupture of my usually pretty awesome mood and life. OH well. It is actually nice out today so I shouldn't complain and go outside and relax.

Where is Summer?

Why is it cold and rainy? I have never had bad weather on my birthday, ever. This year may be a first.



OH, So I am pretty keen on taking a couple of years off to work/volunteer/make music. It is weird, like I know I will go back. I just am not ready to be so serious yet. I know I will be, for sure. I love being a student and I know that I am really good at it. Besides, I won't ever leave the world of academia anyway, so there's no reason for me not to excel in my education, cause it will only help me in teaching. Dad, stop worrying! I understand that other people say they are going to go back and never do, but it must not have been imperative for them to excel in their education as part of their 'time off' job. It's weird, like I finally feel like I don't need to what everyone else is doing. I have really become less dependent and all about accomplishing my own goals rather than succumbing the the goals of others. I feel like I am in a good place in my life, and I don't want to waste my youth toiling away in a library. School will always be there, my youth wont. There will always be time for settling down.

Urban, Suburban and Beyond

Since I have moved I have become harder and more pretentious. This is good, I suppose, in the competitive world of academia and business, so I have definitely learned something here. However I feel like no matter how hard I try to avoid it, I still have my suburban-long island roots.

I know that most artists/writers have conflicted feelings about their homeland and I am no exception. Even though I have only been living off the island for 10 months, my outlook has drastically changed. I am more able to see the long island population from somewhat of an outside observer's perspective. This makes me want to move further away from long island, into another city or somewhere that I perceive would be better (though I know deep down that just maybe, LI is where I belong most). Maybe its not the place itself, but the people I am acquainted with that make me feel out of place. Maybe I just don't know where to meet the right people. Or maybe, people like me just don't hang out. That can't make any sense.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't feel like I belong anywhere, or maybe I just don't want to belong anywhere. It's not 'belonging' as much as fitting. Some people search the world to find somewhere they fit in, and then realize it was under their nose the whole time. Kind of like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.

I don't know, maybe a feeling of belonging isn't something that is ever stable or permanent. I know that I felt perfectly at home in my apt and like a family with my roomies a few months ago, but now I feel somewhat out of place because the new people that I have met out at bars who once seemed witty and mysterious really turned out to be boring and not worth my time. Maybe you have to actively search to belong or fit in, as it is something that is always changing with the dynamics of the people involved. I am going to keep chasing that rainbow, hopefully move to California for my doctorate, only to find out that the people on the west coast are just like the people on the east coast and I will have to go through disassociating myself all over again.

I found out that I am moving back to Long Island after I get back from Taiwan. My teaching job calls for work in Patchogue, and I do not want to commute, no sir! I am a bit disappointed that I have to move back home, as it felt so good to be somewhat independent. But I guess its for the best, especially since we are in a recession. Ugh, another crossroads lays out before me and I must say goodbye to the old and hello to the new.

The San Francisco Treat

Yesterday, Boppy and I went to Fisherman's Wharf. It was a blustery day and we decided to go to the wax museum and Ripley's believe it or not. We walked around a lot, ate In & Out (YUM!) and got matching rings (as usual on our vaca's). I was SO exhausted as I didn't get much sleep the night before. I found out from Cres that (a) my new roomate's name is Nathan and (b) Erika is going to move into my apt in Sept. Thus, I am moving back home (or into another apt) after I get back from Taiwan. I will probably hang out on LI though. I also made another decision, to try to go teach/live in an American city for the spring semester of 10'. I just realized how happy it would make me to get out of my New York element for a few months. I never separated myself far enough away to reap the benefits of being truly independent.

"There May Not Be A Heaven. But There Is A San Fransisco"

My trip has been incredible so far. I have never been filled with so much feverish envy of those who live here, especially Michelle and her awesome roomies. Her apartment is incredible with classic architecture and a fantastic view. (See picture).

When we arrived to the SFO airport, we hopped into a classy new mercedes, which took us to The Hotel California. THC is located a stones throw away from Union Square. This historical hotel is laden with song, movie and literature quotes about SF, which adorn the lobby walls and the crests of the rooms. Our suite is decked with several detailed maps of the golden state, which I find really helpful, for my geography knowledge of the west coast is somewhat limited.

Shortly after arriving at our room, we met up with Michelle. She is my BFF from kindergarten-2nd grade, whom I haven't seen in 10 years. I have to credit Facebook for reuniting us. It's a really comfortable feeling, seeing someone you used to spend all your time with, in a different era of your life; after a long break of not seeing each other, and finding that you haven't really missed a beat.

Michelle had made dinner reservations for 6, so we hopped on an adorable little street car and arrived at the ferry building. We walked for a few blocks and got to the chic little restaurant where we were to dine. The food was delicious, but the conversation was even better. Michelle is so dynamic and has so many great things going on in her life. I am really envious of her situation, but not in a jealous way; I am just completely in awe of how great things are for her. Then I look at my life and compare, and yes, I am happy, I feel like I am doing great things as well, however, I haven't taken nearly as many risks as her, and in some cases, I believe that has made all the difference. I mean, she went to Baltimore for undergrad, then moved to SF and who knows where she will live after this. I feel like I have been taking baby steps to get out of my comfort zone, but I am still suffering from not being able to cut the hypothetical umbilical cord. So far this trip has really made me realize how badly I need to go somewhere new for my doctorate. Not necessarily SF, but somewhere where I can make a whole new group of friends and really create a new environment for myself. I have been noticing lately, that as much as I love the awesome group of people that I hang out with in BK, we have vastly different interests concerning our life's purpose. As exhilarating as I find hanging out with artists, musicians and fashionistas; I feel my soul would benefit more from hanging out with scholastic, activist-minded people.

I am considering checking out additional doctoral programs in San Diego or at UCLA. It helps that there are so many maps in this apartment, which I can look to for inspiration and visually explore my options for living in Cali.

Commencement

This morning was my graduation. Campus was decorated with hoards of friends and family and of course a barrage of light blue robes. It was around 80 degrees and very sunny. There I was, sitting among a mass of grad students, soon to be contributing members of society, recounting the past year and what I have gained, let go of, and learned.

I realized I got exactly what I wanted. I learned how to be more assertive, independent, harder working, more competent and how to take initiative in adverse situations. I learned that no one initially feels like they fit in at grad school. You have to work hard to feel like you belong. When you finally do feel like you belong, you realize that everyone in your field is completely different and together you make up the department, almost like a puzzle. I like to think I am an edge piece of the puzzle. Considering my studies and the subject area that I wish to pursue, I am off center, but I help to make the innards come together as a full picture of sociology.

While exiting the ceremony, I heard the beautiful vocal stylings of some of my colleagues, singing the Columbia anthem (Stand Up Columbia). I walked down and out of the college walk alone, while this music resonated in my mind. A couple of tears begged to be let out, and I allowed them. I felt happy and fulfilled and a tinge of sadness as I am closing a very industrious and successful, pedagogical chapter of my life.

Then I went to get lunch with the family at Cafe do Monde. It was delicious and I really enjoyed spending time with my family (as always). Being that I am a little girl at heart and still seek approval from my parents, the conversations I had with my father today really made me feel proud and reaffirmed the connectedness I feel with him. I am really happy that we have such a great relationship now.

My life right now is excellent. I have been getting everything that I wanted. I have no reason to be sad, aside from the fact that I have been packing on a few pounds and smoking too many ciggs. I will focus on these things this summer, and work toward changing them,

For The Record

I sent Blair a formal e-mail claiming my intention to stop pursuing him and to initiate a friends only relationship. This will be good. Cause even if he were to break things off with 'her', he would need a readjustment period and I would be some sort of rebound. They have been dating for around 4 years. If him and I are to ever be together, it would have to build upon the friendship which we are building now, and it would have to take place later on, in the future. I guess things would be worse if someone (echem Josh) didn't help me to realize this, and if I kept hooking up with him and romanticizing the idea of 'us'. I am protecting myself. I am being smart about this because I actually DO care a great deal for him, I just really don't want to get hurt.

I am officially back on the market (although I was never really off it to begin with)