Freaking Out.

OK. So i have been having a really stressful few weeks. I feel like conflicts have been coming up more than enough and I miss the carefree, funny me. I feel like I am all work and no play. I really enjoy teaching sometimes, but a lot of the times I just feel inadequate. I have never questioned that this is what I want to do. I realize that I need to put a lot more time into it in order to make it perfect. It's just that I am such a perfectionist, and it hurts me when things don't happen as planned. I try and i try. The other day, I got made a fool of in front of my peers and superiors and it was video taped. I don't even know what to say. I have a lot of classroom management to learn and I know I have to change who I am to become who I want to be. But honestly, I don't know if I am ready to give up being fun and having a good time. I miss being a student. I know that I am still a student, because I keep learning new things from people and places in my life, I just miss knowing that I am good at something.
I am so lonely that it hurts. I mean, I have amazing friends and family, but I feel like something is missing and I know I don't have time for it right now, so its like I am forced to deny it.
I had the most terrible dream last night. A huge metallic ball that looked like Grimace (from McDonalds) came down from the sky and landed in Manhattan/Brooklyn area. It opened up and out crawled military men and tanks, and there was a Huge (cherry-picker-like) giraffe (like the guy from Toys R' Us) machine gun thing, that made a horrible sound. There were all these other types of demolition type machine/motor vehicles. Everyone was shooting and forcing people to eat McDonalds. My friends and I didn't want to eat McDonalds, so we had to run. They even blew up the Statue of Liberty! There was this one point where they were making a speech and the statue of liberty's hand kept going up and down, almost like it was playing a joke on us. Then it fell and the roaring war continued. Me and my bff in the dream went to visit the demolished statue of liberty and it felt dangerous. For most of the dream, I was just trying to escape all the gun shots/explosions.
It all felt so real. I felt SO angry and disgusted and I went back to long island in my dream, I actually went to Syosset to see if my family was still there, and everyone had died. So I came back to the city, to find it to be a fighting zone.
My friends and I kept returning to this diner/bar to find refuge. It was still dangerous, because the military men kept doing raids every so often. I remember going into the diner/bar in my dream and talking to Elton from clueless in a photobooth. I thought he was on our side, but at one point, in the photo booth in my dream, he turned on me and started shooting. I ran up the stairs and up more and more stairs and finally found myself cowering in the corner of the attic. In my dream, I remember feeling like Ann Frank and relating all this to the Holocaust.
Yeah. I probably sound psycho, but this really freaked me out. I awoke in a panic and spent the day questioning everything.
Also, some random person, I don't know who it is keeps iming me and threatening and harassing me. That has been adding to my stress, amongst a slough of other things.

The 9 of Pentacles.

Tomorrow is my first day of teaching, so I decided to do my tarot. It was weird. My deck was very well shuffled and I managed to get the pope, popess, emperor and empress all in one shot. That is really, really, really rare. Especially since they are right next to each other in a deck that is in order (which mine werent). Anyway, the strangest and most meaningful part of my reading was the 5th card that I laid out, which was the 9 of disks or pentacles. That symbolized something that I will sill be confronted with. This is what one of my books read...

Your presence in the world makes a difference. You have brought something into the world that enriches it. Therefore, don't hide your light and your beauty! Be generous and show the people around you the kind of treasures you have to give and remember that you yourself are a treasure.
If you want people to notice your inner treasures you must express them in both the large and small things in life. First, however, you will discover that some habits exist without any thought on your part, and some of these are not to your liking. You must, therefore, take charge of your own life and give it form and your personal stamp. This work is similar to the hard work that has to be accomplished in the vineyards. But the result of your troubles is like a superior wine In wine there is truth, and you must make your own truth fruitful.

The Haunted Pod Village of San-Zhi

This is really cool. I wanna go here next time I am in Taiwan.
http://www.jpgmag.com/stories/4622

Halloween

I have been protesting Halloween a lot this year. This is partly due to the fact that I dressed up as something 3 times in the past month ( a pirate, minnie mouse, and a hippie). I feel like I have been pretending not to be myself too much and am losing myself in the process. I know its a lame excuse. I am going to a Halloween party tonight and was originally going to go as a Marilyn Monroe Vampire, then just a Vampire. I will be neither of these things. Yesterday, I went to Brooklyn to paint over the rainbow doorways (san, I know) and I inherited an afro wig and an electric guitar. I was going to be Jimi Hendrix, but then I started getting dressed and realized I don't have any facial hair (silly, i know). So it kind of looks like I am going as my old roomate Kristen. It's cool. I feel good. I just really, really want to stay home tomorrow. I am such a crotchety old woman when it comes to Halloween. Everyone I know (and their mothers) are going t othe city/bk tomorrrow. I just want to stay home and sleep or something. Ugh sometimes I drive myself crazy. I am pretty sure I will wind up going out, but it will be a last minute thing. I wish I could just make up my mind before hand so i wouldn't have to deal with this unnerving bullshit!!! Anyway, here is what I look like with an afro.

The Dear Hunter

I went to see The Dear Hunter with Jodette and Sara on Wednesday night. I must say that I haven't been to such a great show in a while. They were awesome. They are one of my favorite bands at the moment. I mean, the song/story writing is just brilliant. I talked to Casey (the musical genius behind it all) after the show. I felt like I was 16 all over again. I even bought a hoodie! (I know what a lame-o, but I had fun).

Bad Dream

I just had a bad dream about teaching again. It is really coming down to the wire, and I know that no matter how much preparation i do, I will never be fully prepared for what is going to happen on Tuesday. I had the worst dream last night that all my students kept standing up and disrespecting me, and I kept having to tell them to shut their mouths. At a certain point, I went to go notify the authorities, and at another I threw a shoe at one of my students cause he hit me first. My powerpoint slides got lost and I was speechless. It was a really scary dream. The epitome of everything I don't want to happen on the first day of class. Well, no matter what, nothing could be as bad as my dream...I suppose that's the bright side.

Maybe (my mantra)

Nico Anders Lives for the Summer

I think if you have a positive outlook in life, everything seems to happen for a reason. I met two wonderful people today when I missed my train. Its strange how similar people seem to connect when in the same mindset. I feel like the world network really is strong and if you seem to believe the world makes sense, it makes sense.

On my train ride home tonight, I started watching videos from Taiwan. I realize that I live for the summer. Don't get me wrong, I love the profession that I have chosen, but what I love more is the opportunity it gives me to travel and make sense of travel. I love to be able o assign deeper meaning to the things I enjoy most. One of the most gratifying things to me is going somewhere that was once foreign and trying to understand the construction of social norms. I know, I am a total dork. Anyway, from viewing and reviewing my videos from Taiwan, I realized something. That time and place was great, amazing, incredible...however, it was only temporary and was only supposed to last for that long. If I went back there today, it would not feel the same, but would almost feel like a corpse of what once was. I would have too high expectations and would undoubtedly be disappointed. If you travel to distant lands, you never know what to expect, therefore you cannot be disappointed, because there is a void in your foresight. This is why travel is so great. This is why I live for the summer.

Professor Andersen

I just love it when people call me that. I went to a final meeting before teaching yesterday and now I have to make my syllabi and start prepping for the first day of class. I am so very excited. I should probably watch The Freedom Writers once more, before I begin. I just know that I am too idealistic. I am going to want everyone to love the class and have fun in it, but I know that most of my students are going to be aching to get out of the classroom. I have to maintain my current mantra and expect less. That seems to work, keeping my expectations low and then always being pleasantly surprised.

Sleepyhead.

I have become slightly obsessed with this song.