Who am I?

I used to play this game a lot at home, where you take an index card or a small piece of paper and write the name of some famous or familiar person or character on it and stick it to someone elses forehead. You do this in a group and everyone has to ask yes or no questions in a circle, until they get a 'no'. You win by guessing your person/character first. Lately, I have been wondering who I am. It is so hard to see yourself through the eyes of another. So why am I so obsessed with always trying to?

Cooley's "looking glass self" is a psychological method where we try to see ourselves as others in our current social setting see us. We then act according to what they think of us. This is how I believe I have lived much of my life. This is a terrible way to attempt to learn about yourself, if you ask me. I really need to stop trying to live up to other people's standards of me. I know that at the end of the day I am alone, and at the end of life, we all die alone. This is a solitary journey where the meanings in my life are what I make them. I am not saying this in a depressing way, just a realistic one.

I mean, you can have your family and close friends who actually know you, but all the acquaintances you meet along the way are mostly tools. Tools to help you realize things about yourself, tools to teach you about the world, tools to help you appreciate what you have. You can be a tool for them to help them learn about themselves as well. I hope that I am a good tool.

RJ helped me realize something last night. He played therapist and made me realize that I need talk therapy more than I know. I just want to be liked. I can't let go of Cooley's looking glass self. I want people to think I am smart and witty, but I don't think I am smart or witty. I want people to think I am stylish, but I don't think I am stylish (sometimes). I want people to think they can tell me anything and be open with me, but I know I am not the most trustworthy person. I have a lot of conflicting ideas about myself and what I want others to see in me. I am a contradiction. I am still trying to figure out why this is. I cover it all up really well.

So Naive

After giving away my cat yesterday, I decided that drinking a whole bottle of champagne by myself would be a good idea. I sat in the apartment and sulked and thought about how she is in a better place and that I did the right thing. After putting the remainder of my bottle in a sippy cup for the road, I headed out for PTTV.

I got to the office pretty tipsy, but I don't think anyone had any idea. I facilitated the meeting, pretty well; but it was an abbreviated meeting due to a friend of a member coming in to discuss racial and sexual diversity in our group. I brought up some valid points which needed to be assessed about our missions statement prescribing to educated, middle class individuals. I also noted that in this urban environment, it is difficult to assess that everyone has equal opportunity for enriched education. Most of the people in my collective went to ivy league schools and/or are white. People usually work on topics which pertain to their lives, it is very much, a self fulfilling prophecy. I felt like it took some degree of 'balls' to say all this stuff about race and class, especially being the newest member of my group. I am really proud that it didn't go unsaid though, especially since I am to teach about the importance of race and class in my upcoming job.

After a drunken rant, which was ideally received by my peers, I went out with a couple of members for a beer. Just quickly though, because I had made plans to meet up with Lewis for dinner/drinks. I had a lot of fun talking to him, and I feel so naive for thinking that he just wanted friendship because that's what I was after. He approached me from the friendship angle and I didn't believe he would come onto me, but whatever, I realized last night how dumb I am to think that anyone just wants to be friends with someone of the opposite sex.

I walked out of the bar in somewhat of a frenzied hurry, I had to get out of there because I realized where the night may be headed if I had kept drinking. On my way to find a subway route that connected to where I was going, I asked two random strangers for directions. Little did I know, they were both psychics. One was a tall, handsome, flamboyant, black man with bleach blonde hair, probably in his mid-twenties. The other was an older, shorter, hispanic woman, with big hoop earrings. Both of them said that they had visions of me in a dark red room with huge piles of books, that I should do some work with a pendulum and that I seem like I may have healing powers. We talked astrology in front of the train station which they led me to, for about half an hour. I didn't want to go because our conversation was SO interesting.

After a long train ride, (or long time spent waiting for the train) and having to transfer to a shuttle bus outside of the Lorimer station (UGH), I stopped in the deli downstairs from my house to get a snack. Who should come in right behind me but Jason and his friend Brittany. I had been meaning to meet up with them earlier all night! However, both of our nights had lasted longer than originally planned, so it was weird that we happened to cross paths on the way home.

So yeah. An eventful night. I feel like there should have been a full moon or something.