A Lot Can Happen in Two Months.

Okay, so I realized sometimes its good to get things out on here. I just don't want to feel obligated to do it.

So, I have a girlfriend. All my close friends keep telling me I am jumping into a relationship too fast. I agree. I have only known her a month and a half. I feel like there is so much more I want to know about her before I am committed. Especially since the summer is coming and I am going to Europe for a month. Ugh. What am I doing? I really really like her. But part of me is a little unsettled.

I got a new car. I love it. But I shouldn't have put so much money down. I keep trying to get a second part time job, but its so hard right now. No one is hiring. I apply for jobs every day and still no one will hire me. I am worried that I will be in Europe and run out of cash.

I have an interview to be a tutor on Wednesday in the city. I hope it goes well.I haven't been to the city in a while. Maybe that's been dampening my mood too.

I think I need to go back on antidepressants. I feel that I am constantly worrying about things that are somewhat out of my control. I should be enjoying my freedom, not condemning it.

I didn't get into any doctoral programs. I feel that I had this path laid out, and now I am lost without a yellow brick road. I don't know what I am doing and its time for me to be an adult.

I think I am going to go live and work in New Zealand for a semester next year. The more traveling I do, the more valuable I am as a sociologist because I will have racked up more information about different cultures.

Anyway, I know this post was directionless. I just didn't know how to begin.

Freaking Out.

OK. So i have been having a really stressful few weeks. I feel like conflicts have been coming up more than enough and I miss the carefree, funny me. I feel like I am all work and no play. I really enjoy teaching sometimes, but a lot of the times I just feel inadequate. I have never questioned that this is what I want to do. I realize that I need to put a lot more time into it in order to make it perfect. It's just that I am such a perfectionist, and it hurts me when things don't happen as planned. I try and i try. The other day, I got made a fool of in front of my peers and superiors and it was video taped. I don't even know what to say. I have a lot of classroom management to learn and I know I have to change who I am to become who I want to be. But honestly, I don't know if I am ready to give up being fun and having a good time. I miss being a student. I know that I am still a student, because I keep learning new things from people and places in my life, I just miss knowing that I am good at something.
I am so lonely that it hurts. I mean, I have amazing friends and family, but I feel like something is missing and I know I don't have time for it right now, so its like I am forced to deny it.
I had the most terrible dream last night. A huge metallic ball that looked like Grimace (from McDonalds) came down from the sky and landed in Manhattan/Brooklyn area. It opened up and out crawled military men and tanks, and there was a Huge (cherry-picker-like) giraffe (like the guy from Toys R' Us) machine gun thing, that made a horrible sound. There were all these other types of demolition type machine/motor vehicles. Everyone was shooting and forcing people to eat McDonalds. My friends and I didn't want to eat McDonalds, so we had to run. They even blew up the Statue of Liberty! There was this one point where they were making a speech and the statue of liberty's hand kept going up and down, almost like it was playing a joke on us. Then it fell and the roaring war continued. Me and my bff in the dream went to visit the demolished statue of liberty and it felt dangerous. For most of the dream, I was just trying to escape all the gun shots/explosions.
It all felt so real. I felt SO angry and disgusted and I went back to long island in my dream, I actually went to Syosset to see if my family was still there, and everyone had died. So I came back to the city, to find it to be a fighting zone.
My friends and I kept returning to this diner/bar to find refuge. It was still dangerous, because the military men kept doing raids every so often. I remember going into the diner/bar in my dream and talking to Elton from clueless in a photobooth. I thought he was on our side, but at one point, in the photo booth in my dream, he turned on me and started shooting. I ran up the stairs and up more and more stairs and finally found myself cowering in the corner of the attic. In my dream, I remember feeling like Ann Frank and relating all this to the Holocaust.
Yeah. I probably sound psycho, but this really freaked me out. I awoke in a panic and spent the day questioning everything.
Also, some random person, I don't know who it is keeps iming me and threatening and harassing me. That has been adding to my stress, amongst a slough of other things.

Happy Birthday Jenn!

Wednesday night I went out for Jenn's birthday. I was still in a bum mood so I couldn't really enjoy the night like I would have liked to. PJ rode to bull at Mason Dixon and we ate really good homey food at Eastville. All of Jenn's friends are so beautiful and thin. Sometimes I feel left out.

Yoga

I have been becoming really obsessed with Yoga lately. I find that now that I am off of anti-depressants, Yoga really helps me to attempt at keeping a stable mind. I don't want to be influenced by the power of pharmaceuticals anymore. Anti-depressants are such a temporary fix, and there haven't been studies yet to prove their effectiveness over a long period of time. Anyway, Yoga has been my saving grace. It is just such a great way to start a day.

Incompetent.

Today I was walking the concourse between 123 and L and I saw a blind man with 2 other people, helping him walk along. I was thinking, I would never want to be one of those people helping him. I know. How self-centered and foolhardy of me. But in all honesty. I wouldn't. Then I was thinking that 'god' doesn't give anyone more than they can handle and challenges us everyday because 'he' knows we can overcome it. What about all those people who commit suicide? They couldn't handle it.

I don't know if I just have the beginning of the semester blues or if I really am incompetent. I feel like all I do is read. I read so much that I forget what I read. I get nervous to talk in class because I don't sound as good as everyone else. Even in my undergrad classes, I feel like everyone knows so much more about everything than me. Often when I make comments in class, I try to make a serious point and people laugh, because they think that I was trying to be funny. I mean, sometimes I try to be funny but I guess my peers are conditioned to laugh at me regardless. And, if they don't laugh, someone will combat my statement and I will get baffled and not know what to say.

I should be happy and focus on where I am coming from. I am the only person at columbia right now to study sociology/mass media and ideology. All my work should reflect that. But I am starting to doubt what I know. Other students in my classes remember explicitly articles that we read last October. I can barely remember what I read earlier today. Maybe my memory is the problem. No matter how many notes I take or how many words I highlight I just never get some things. I know I am smart. I am just not smart like everyone else. I think differently I guess. I am trying to see that as a good thing. But its hard.

I know I am going to get through this semester. I will probably do good too. But I will not have a social life. I will barely leave my house unless it is to go to school. I know that it will be over before I know it and I will forever tell everyone that 'Columbia was soo easy, I loved it soo much'. If you are reading this, you will know that it is not. I have never worked this hard in my life and I doubt I will ever again. I mean, what other kind of job requires 98% of your time?