You can't have it all.

Where to begin. So much has happened in the last 5 months. I love New Zealand. My career is really taking off here. Of course I have had my moments when I was scared about money, friends, drinking too much, the American stereotype, missing home, missing family and friends, finding a place to live, and pretty much everything you can worry about. This is the biggest step I have ever taken in my life, so of course there is a lot of hurting, scariness and of course growing.

I have committed at least 3 years to living here. This will be a good step for my maturity, depth of meaning in my life, understanding of the value of money, understanding of the value of friends and family, etc.

This country is a beautiful place. People are friendly and I think since the country is so small, there is more of a sense of brotherhood. However, I am finding that even though people are friendly, it doesn't mean that they want to be my friend. I suppose you could say the same for a lot of cultures, so this is not the fault of NZ.

I have made 3 really good friends since I have been here. I have made several other friends, but none of which I call on when I am having a bad day. The hard part is that all 3 of my friends are transplants. Holland, France and Canada. This month I will be losing 2/3 of those people. One of which is my boyfriend.

Oh yeah, I finally want to tell someone significant that I've fallen in love with them and they're leaving in 4 weeks. Awesome timing. I never thought that I would meet someone who gets me, respects me, is intelligent and makes me laugh and who I find so attractive inside and out. I am so pissed that our relationship doesn't have more time to grow here. Of course, there is the possibility of a long distance relationship (which I swore I would never have). But I don't want to put stress on him and myself to keep in touch while we are both leading our busy lives thousands of miles apart. I have enough pen pals at the moment. I just feel like part of it will be, out of sight, out of mind" and we will slowly forget how incredible we are for each other.

I love him. I haven't said it yet. I am kinda waiting for him to say it, since I am afraid it will hurt too much if he doesn't say it back. That, and I want it to be said at the right moment because this is the first time I think I will truly mean it in the way they talk about it in the movies. Right now, at this moment, I can see sharing my life with him. I want to do so many things with him, simply cause my life is better lived with him than without him. He likes me for qualities that I want to be liked for and when I am having a bad day, just being near him lifts my mood exponentially. It's just so effortless being with him, and yet I think he makes me a better person without even trying. Fuck.

Hopefully my busy career/education will keep me busy enough so that I won't have time for loneliness. Get this, I just got a job teaching criminology to over 150 people starting the end of February. I have never taken a criminology course before, but I taught Soc of crime and deviance. I haven't read any of the course work yet, but I think it will be fine. I love getting up and performing in front of people, so I am sure I will make it work and they will love me. It will be nice to finally have somewhat of an income. Along with that, I am working on a research assistantship in the pharmacy department about the awareness and opinions of direct to consumer genetic testing in NZ. It is a pretty rad project which will get me published, so that's pretty neat. Oh, and of course, I am applying for my PhD here. Hopefully by next week I will have my application submitted. I am pretty sure the Soc department is pretty gung-ho to have me here, so that will be cool. I want to do it on consumer controlled medication due to Direct to consumer advertisement of pharmaceuticals and the vast amounts of medical information on the web. I wanna look at the discourse of diagnosis and ultimately the shift of doctor-patient relations. I hope they like my idea, if not, I hope they accept me anyway, cause PhD ideas are always changing anyway.

Woah this is becoming longer than anticipated. But, I feel a little better. Perhaps I should get on with writing in here more regularly.

Cheers!

New Chapter

I leave today for New Zealand. I have a year visa which terminates next July. I am SUPER excited. I will miss my friends and family a lot, but being there and exploring a new life is something I must do now. Life is a journey, not a destination.

I'll update again when I'm down under! :)

Melissa

My step sister Melissa just recently found out she has cancer again. She had it about 4 years ago, lost all her hair, and braved it out. This was a difficult feat, and everyone is amazed at her progress. She was even able to have a baby (my adorable niece Leah) after having one of her ovaries removed. Last time she had this really difficult bout with cancer, she made a friend who had the same strain as her, her friend did not make it. This shows how much the odds were against this type of cancer.

Luckily, she is very in touch with her body and finds out early when something is wrong. A few weeks ago, she found a growth in her abdomen and quickly went to get it removed/checked out. When I saw her this weekend in Greenport, she was recovering with staples still in her gut, and waiting for the results from the tests they took to see if it had spread. A few nights ago, she had to go into the ER because something was growing right where she had just been stapled up. She and my family are less optimistic this time, as they do not yet know what kind of cancer it is. They are thinking it is small cell, which is the fastest growing, most difficult type to beat.

I know that I always proclaim myself atheist/agnostic, but that doesn't mean I am not spiritual. I have been thinking about her a lot and hoping that she will once again come out of it like a phoenix. Even though we aren't very close, she has been a part of my family for most of my life and she has been nothing but sweet to me. It really sucks how bad things happen to nice people. There really aren't any words for how sorrowful I feel right now for her. Why can't diseases just happen to mean people?

I would really like to go visit her and bring her flowers or a card or something, but I hate hospitals and dread going alone. I know how dumb that sounds. For all the people close to me that have died, all my philosophical classes on death, and the way that I have come to understand death as an inevitable part of life; hospitals still scare the crap out of me. I should just get over it and go, I need to not be so selfish right now.

Ahh Greenport

Friday-Saturday was spent at my lovely summer escape with the fams. I love going out there because it played such a poignant part of my childhood and brings back a lot of memories. It is weird how much it has changed over the years, but the important things still have stayed the same. I got to spend some quality time with Dad and Jean and got to see my adorable baby niece, as well as my step sis n her hubbs. Good times all around. We went yard sailing, book shopping and beaching,

Bandsies

Today I woke up, did some Yoga and hung out with the fam. My uncle and 2 cousins were here from Maine this weekend. We watched Monday morning cartoons and had some breakfast. They are such great kids. On July, 4th I had a conversation with MJ about global warming and he was really impressing me. He absorbs information like a sponge and is remarkably intelligent for his age. Ethan is so adorable with his awe-inspiring conversationalist skills, and i am really proud to say that they are my cousins/nephews.

After a family oriented morning, Lauren came over for some sushi/band practice. We had a lovely lunch and came home and wrote a song. I find it so incredible how well we work together. She is wonderful with song concepts, eloquently written one liners, and is really knowledgeable musically.

The Great Outdoors

Tuesday morning I got my tooth fixed (see pic for me on novacaine lol) and afterwards hung out at the g-rents. Granny and I walked to the lake, went on the swings, walked through the woods and did a bit of bird watching. I am really fortunate that my grandparents are so active and able to do outdoorsy activities with me.

After Uncle Moe got back from work we all ate dinner together. G & G got lobsters for us to celebrate my accomplishments. I realized that I haven't had lobster since 2003. I kind of realized that I don't really like the act of breaking apart the lobster. It is kind of gross and animalistic. Not to mention that lobsters are like huge underwater cockroaches. There is actually a breed of cockroach called 'the lobster cockroach'. Go figure.

Commencement

This morning was my graduation. Campus was decorated with hoards of friends and family and of course a barrage of light blue robes. It was around 80 degrees and very sunny. There I was, sitting among a mass of grad students, soon to be contributing members of society, recounting the past year and what I have gained, let go of, and learned.

I realized I got exactly what I wanted. I learned how to be more assertive, independent, harder working, more competent and how to take initiative in adverse situations. I learned that no one initially feels like they fit in at grad school. You have to work hard to feel like you belong. When you finally do feel like you belong, you realize that everyone in your field is completely different and together you make up the department, almost like a puzzle. I like to think I am an edge piece of the puzzle. Considering my studies and the subject area that I wish to pursue, I am off center, but I help to make the innards come together as a full picture of sociology.

While exiting the ceremony, I heard the beautiful vocal stylings of some of my colleagues, singing the Columbia anthem (Stand Up Columbia). I walked down and out of the college walk alone, while this music resonated in my mind. A couple of tears begged to be let out, and I allowed them. I felt happy and fulfilled and a tinge of sadness as I am closing a very industrious and successful, pedagogical chapter of my life.

Then I went to get lunch with the family at Cafe do Monde. It was delicious and I really enjoyed spending time with my family (as always). Being that I am a little girl at heart and still seek approval from my parents, the conversations I had with my father today really made me feel proud and reaffirmed the connectedness I feel with him. I am really happy that we have such a great relationship now.

My life right now is excellent. I have been getting everything that I wanted. I have no reason to be sad, aside from the fact that I have been packing on a few pounds and smoking too many ciggs. I will focus on these things this summer, and work toward changing them,

Thai Tai For Good Eatin.

Today my dad, stepmom and step sis came into Brooklyn to visit. It made me really happy that they finally made it out, but sad that we didn't get to go up to Columbia because of stinky rush hour traffic. I took them into Williamsburg and we got yummy Thai food (my second day in a row at the same place). I think I may be slightly obsessed with coconut and curry induced foods. My dad and I looked at some books on the streets. I really like talking books with my dad. He was always reading when I was growing up, I guess this had a really big impact on me because now I pretty much read for a living. He made me the Twilight Soundtrack and some 8x10's of the movie too. Supercool!

After I got home from a delicious lunch, Jason and I decided to go to Target to pick up some sticks of wood for the apt. It was a silly trek on the subway into the city and back out to BK to get there and they didn't even have what I wanted. However, I did get an awesome new hooded flannel and a corduroy vest. I saw a trashy mag with the beloved lead of my obsession, Twilight, on the cover, so I had to have it. Turns out he is only 22 (his birthday is May 13, which makes him a Taurus) and is a total party animal. I am hoping I will run into him at some trendy NYC bar and we'll hit it off and maybe later on I will coax him into biting my neck, just for kicks. A girl can dream, cant she? OOH also, turns out he has a thing for taken girls. He had a major crush on his costar (Kristen Stewart) during the making of the film, who was dating someone else. Also, he was found macking it with Camilla Belle, who is none other than Joe Jonas's GF! I have a crush on Joe Jonas as well. Sooo basically, I wish I was Camilla Belle or Bella Swan...or something.

After a time consuming and excruciatingly tiring trip to Target, Jason and I were in silly giggly mode and decided to take naps. The rest of the evenings plans include going to Carrie's and watching movies on the couch. I live a tough life I know.

I have been looking into some non-profit organizations that I can maybe get a part time job working for. I figure that may be my best outlet because I will feel like I am actually making a difference to people who matter. I can't stick with a job normally because I find retailing salesperson positions to be too superficial and materialistic, waitressing too tiring and drug induced, and desk jobs too tedious and boring. I definitely don't want to be canvassing out on the streets, though. I would like to do something for the environment or help organize events for human rights or help the general public acknowledge their harmful habits to humankind, the earth or themselves that can be alleviated through a change of their course of daily activities.

Family Time.

I went to long island from Friday night until Sunday night. Friday night was spent watching Kath and Kim with my mom. That is so our show. If we were trashy Floridians, and a bit more dumb and self centered we could totally be them.

Saturday: Run of the mill, laborous activities necessary to sustain life.
Night: Game Night at Dani's (feeling really left out because I was the only one there not engaged or with husband). After, I went to Bayshore to meet up with some of my favorite bitches. For some reason I felt like all the guys in the bar were 5 ft. or shorter. I felt silly being there because not only did no one male look the slightest bit intrigueing, none of them were even at eye level with me.

One thing I really adore about Long Island, however, is that some people have no class/style. It makes me feel really good about myself. I am not saying that I am some sort of fashionista, but compared to some people; I am a fashion goddess!

My brother's birthday was/is today. Him and I went and spend a lovely day with my dad. We acted silly a whole lot. It was really nice to spend the day with them. It was also really nice to get my head out of books for a couple of days. I mean I still had to read, but it was nice to not worry about it.

My cat is a little piss machine. But she is so fucking cute. I don't know what to do with her. Thank heavens I will be sleeping in Crescencio's bed starting Jan 1st. (Hopefully!)

Dad,

To answer your question...

Both dyes and pigments appear to be colored because they absorb some wavelengths of light preferentially. In contrast with a dye, a pigment generally is insoluble, and has no affinity for the substrate. Some dyes can be precipitated with an inert salt to produce a lake pigment, and based on the salt used they could be aluminum lake, calcium lake or barium lake pigments.

Originally, dyes were obtained from animal, vegetable or mineral origin, with no or very little processing. By far the greatest source of dyes has been from the plant kingdom, notably roots, berries, bark, leaves and wood, but only a few have ever been used on a commercial scale.

Oh the wondorous lifetime lessons learned through wikipedia!

Babysitting.

Tonight I babysat for 3 hours. I babysit / tutor a 6 year old in math. She is really cute, but really ADHD. I am sympathetic to her wandering mind because I am very much like that without my medicine; of course, minus the kids toys and gymnastics. There were 2 specific highlights of my night.

1) Tonight we played a game with the guitar and at the end we each had to write a song. The guitar is a kid guitar and doesn't really tune, no matter how hard you try to tune it. I wrote 2 cute kid songs with her and she danced and made up words too. One was about the seasons and the other was about the fact that we both have short hair and that long hair gets messy and that we are way cooler than people with long hair.

2) We played with her "My Little Ponies". I used to be OBSESSED with these when I was a kid, so it brought back a lot of memories.

When Maya's mom came home she asked me if I would want to make a little extra money taking her mother out of the nursing home from time to time. I am all about spending time with people for money. That's kind of the same as going out on a date with a guy you don't like for the free dinner and booze. I do think it's kind of sad that this woman has to pay me to hang out with her daughter and mother. I guess that's what you get when you're a physician in Manhattan, you have to choose your work over your family in order to keep up.