Two-timing Bitch

So. Philip just told me he doesn't want to see me anymore. He said there are no bad feelings, but I feel like that is impossible. He broke it off with me because I slept with Abhi. They are friends, but i have never hung out with the 2 of them together. I guess that makes me a two-timing bitch. We had an open relationship, and Philip knew I was seeing other people. I wasn't sleeping with him or anything but we had good times together. I am mostly sad because I lost a friend. It is so hard to keep people in my life here sometimes because I want everyone to be so close to me, since I don't have family or close friends here and if I do, they are very sparse. It is kind of sad. I broke things off with Abhi last week but we are still friends. I can just imagine what that lot says about me behind my back. I suppose I deserve it. I have been a bit of a slut. I mean, I like having friends with benefits. Its hard to know where to draw the line sometimes. Obviously if things were going anywhere with Phil, I would not feel the urge to sleep with other people, so maybe this is for the best. But part of me wishes I never got that close with him in the first place, so that he wouldn't be hurt. Luckily I still have Frankie, who I actually am really into. She is the reason why I stopped sleeping with Abhi. I met a new guy this weekend in New Plymouth, Matt. Well see where this one goes. I only have a month left...how much more damage can I do? I am just awful at the dating game. I think I need to cool off for a while.

All good things must come to an end.

So I told Kyle I loved him 2 days ago. Then I proceeded to cry like a baby during sex because he is leaving so soon. I think I just feel too much. I submitted my PhD proposal today. I am 99.9% sure I will get in. I can't spend the next 4+ years of my life hurting because the person I love lives far far away. Yes, I did think he was my soulmate. But with ends come new beginnings. I would like to catch up with him years from now and see where he is at. But we are both embarking on long term educations and I am pretty sure people change a lot during these. We had a lot of great times together and he really got me better than most people. I still love him as a person, I just have to force myself not to be in love with him.

I am starting to feel good about this ::takes another swig of green ginger wine:: I am just worried this relationship fits in with my trends of relationships...you know, how I fall for someone and the second that I can admit to myself that I love them,I break it off. Oh well. These relationships didn't work out for a reason I guess and they have helped me to get a better idea of what I do what. At least I leave with no baggage.

Boycotting and Purging

Monday was a late beach day. I met up with Eddie, Nicole and Matt. The only problem was, due to the hurricane, our beach wasn't letting people in until the tide came lower. The four of us went to field 2 and made our own nude beach...behind some windscreens of course. There was a guy who was naked right near us, and he got caught by the cops. We hung out there until we didn't anymore, then we finally got into field 5. We were finally home. I hung out for a few hours, after 4. Blair told me he was going to get off his flight around 4, so I was anxiously awaiting his call. He was a little slow to get to me, which is to be expected. I decided to go out for sushi with my beach friends because we had such a rough day trying to boycott public nudity laws and regulations. I got super drunk. I picked up Blair at the train station and totally let him know my feelings and that he hurt me all summer, and that I felt like I was waiting around for him all summer. I cried like a baby. It turns out he didn't break up with K and they are still in the same relationship they were in 6 months ago. I am not going to waste any more time waiting for him to break up with her/be ready/treat me like I should be treated. It hurts so much that I have to let him go because I really really liked him.

After my blowout, I really didn't even want him to be here anymore. It just hurt. I am glad that I was intoxicated, because I was never really able to tell him how I truly felt about the situation, it was always taboo. You would think that after 6 months I would have opened up more. I feel like crap and every song I listen to reminds me of him.

Art and Ambien?

Thursday night Carrie and I finally had a chat. It had to be done. We have been a bit on the rocks for most of the summer. I have just been really busy hanging out with an impressive array of people and didn't realize how much she needed/depended on me. I am flattered, I guess. It is nice to be needed. Anyway, I had made plans to go to Sean's and paint/take ambien. I forgot the ambien, so I went over and wanted to paint/collage anyway. He wasn't up for it. He is a fair-weathered artist. He needs to be induced by chemicals in order to feel like being artistic. I ain't down with that, no sir. Anyway, we hung out and watched American Psycho. I don't know what is going on between us, but I think he is cute. I think he might be scared of me cause the last time I slept over I hit him. I don't remember doing so, however. And there has never been a time before when I hit without being asked. I am a little girl trapped in a big girl's body. Anyway, I think I am going to stop hanging out with Sean. We haven't even had sex and its already a little awkward being around him. Oh well, I tried.

Men

Is it really, truly possible to have a great time when you feel like the one person you want to share it with is overseas with another woman? I have been trying, but you are always in the back of my mind. Sometimes it helps me through the day, and sometimes it makes me angry at men in general. Ugh.

Some Kind of Magnet I am

Yesterday I went to the beach with Stephen. We met up with Nicole, Sean and Eddie. It was a really beautiful day at the beach, despite the fact that I almost drowned. I am usually the girl to run and dive right in and never look back. Yesterday, the waves were crazy and sucked you and and didn't let you out. It was really scary. I made it out alive, thank goodness I am a strong swimmer.

Anyway, So I realized yesterday that Stephen and I are at that point where he is really starting to annoy me. Our conversations go nowhere. He is fun if I am in a good mood, but he is really like a 5 year old at all other times. He is such a nice kid,like really too nice for his own good. I knew when I started to hang out with him that he bothered me a bit and that I could only take him in small doses. Yesterday I was itching to get rid of him.

I dropped him off after the beach and went to Julia's and me, her and Sean hung out for a bit. I was supposed to sleep at Julia's after she bbq'd and we went to this show at the Brick House. Sean is really really funny. The three of us had a really good time joking around. (Video of song we made up, soon to come)

The three of us went to the show and Nicole and Sal met up. I was worried that Julia's 'bf' Austin was going to show up. Well, he did and I was so out of there. I am starting to realize that Julia is pretty much always surrounded by drama. Anyway, I went home with Sean, but not before I told him that NOTHING was happening between us, not even a kiss. He is funny, but full of shit and you can't believe much of what comes out of his mouth. That whole group of guys that Nicole and Julia hang out with are bastard little boys and really haven't grown up or out of their drug induced coma's long enough to mature and become real adults.

I do have to say, that within the past 24 hours, I had three different guys, who know me well enough for it to mean something say...

"Do you know how incredibly sexy you are?"
"You are really beautiful, do you know that?"
"You're really cute."

So I guess I am kind of on fire right now or something.

Production

Yesterday I went to the park with said Aussie. He was nice and told me things about life down under. No, we didn't kiss or anything. It was nice to spend an afternoon with someone new, even though I am not interested. We got burritos at a truck in the burg. So good.

After that, I went to work and put some finishing touches on my naked bike ride video. Next, I went to my orientation to be a certified television producer. I think it is really cool that MNN has free classes to get certified, but the people who go there are really weird. Luckily, I met this cool girl (Alison) from the UK, who I quickly became friends with.

I came home to Nathan and Colleen watching Gattaca. All in all a good day.

Getting the Fun Done

Yesterday was a work day, accompanied by a bottle of wine. I went and visited Nathan's 'Marc' store in between meetings and tried on clothes I can't afford. I went back to PTTV and then went out for some beers with Mike and a couple of new members. It was nice how the newbies actually wanted to come out. I feel like we get stronger when we hang out, outside of PTTV.

After the bar, Me, Mike and Rebecca went to Union Pool. I know, usually not my first choice , but it seemed ok at the time. We sat and chatted about vampires and then Carrie and Anna met up. People came, people went. I noticed a lonely stranger standing near us, and was feeling talkative so I went up to him and struck up a conversation. Turns out, he is Australian, the lead singer/guitar player in a band and a gemini. I sat and talked to him for a while about a lot of stuff. He tried to kiss me and i didn't let him. He got me a beer. Later on, another boy who, funny enough, was from Huntington, came along and sat next to me. I wasn't into him at all, but once again, after a decent amount of conversation, he tried to kiss me and I declined, and he bought me a drink.

I wish I could just count on my charisma and not have to pay for drinks ever again. HAHA, It does feel nice to say that two guys (one on each side of me) wanted to kiss me last night, but I refused both of them.

After saying goodnight to bk bardom, I headed back home to find Nathan, watching 'the Stepford Wives' making a mask out of celluclay. We started yamming it up, and made it an ambien night. We dressed up, painted each other, wrapped Jason in saran wrap, hung out on the fire escape, put in vampire teeth, and took our clothes off! No really. I am not joking.

The Beach

Today was gorgeous, typical amazing day at the beach. I think I even got a little burnt. Kim and I met up at her boyfriend (Rob's) house. I finally got to meet her man that she is in LOVE with. He is so cute and so good for her. This is a polar opposite of my last post. Kim has got her head on straight and can finally see clearly (after Ryan, her ex, who now lives in a van somewhere in SoCal). It makes me really happy to see her so happy.

I wish I had someone to love who would be around and that I could get silly with. I mean right now, I am happy to be single, but I just want someone that I can go places and do things with. We were all talking about going on a weekend camping trip with tents and stuff, and I really want to go and have a guy to cuddle with by a fire. Oh well, I guess I will have to wait this one out and use my hand for a little longer.

Fuck ups

My dear friend Julia and I got together last night on my way back from Greenport. I met her at the beach last summer and we had a little dating thing going on for a short while. We are still pretty good friends, but sometimes I think she is crazy. She is very wild and it is usually very liberating to be around her because she always just wants to have a good time. She has been dating this guy for a month. He is a great fuck up.

I mean this in the nicest way. One of my exes reminds me so much of him because he's a total jerk and is completely irresponsible, but such a funny sweetheart when it counts. We have all dated them. Us girls think we can 'fix them', but we only wind up getting annoyed and worked up. These kinds of men will never change. Her boyfriend got arrested and lost his phone last night. He then (at age 31) had to call his parents to get him out of going to the precinct. What an embarrassment. It was good to see Julia, but this is something she will have to realize for herself. Oh well.

Gripes

Monday, March 16th 10:31 AM.

Wow. My opinion of this place has drastically changed in the past 2 days. I mean. Yes it is still a beautiful place, but some things have made me less than pleased.

1-The food is really bad. At first, we thought it was medioker but the more we ate, the more we realized it sucked.

2-They have all of these restricted VIP areas that they try to make you pay more for. It is all over rated. Also, the free internet is only in the VIP area.

3-Maybe it's just me, but i believe vacations should be sprawling with opportunities for exploration. Here I feel a bit suffocated. I would like to see more of the countryside and somehow poke around this 3rd world country without the threat of robbery.

4-There are way too many 17/18 year old kids here on spring break who are ignorant and stupid. Yesterday, boppy overheard a conversation between this guy from Maine and these 2 bimbos from Canada. It went something like this.

Canadians-"Where are you from?"

Mainer- "Maine."

Canadians- "OH, Where is that?"

UMM HELLO?! Maine borders Canada?!

OK, now back to the fun parts. I have been reading a lot of Eclipse. I only have 250 pgs left. I have been trying to get rid of my tan lines on top. It is hard with all these young dumb bitches around who have major body image issues. But I don't care what they have to say, so there.

I met a really interesting guy (Ben) the other night. He came here on a boat with this crazy scumbag (Kendal), they were servers on said boat and gave boat tours for a limited time only, in the caribbean area. I hung out with them the other night. Ben and I snuck into the VIP area after hours and talked. Then we walked along the beach and talked some more. I felt really bad for him because his mom died of cancer and his dad is terminally ill and he has 2 younger sisters who he will have to take custody over at the tender age of 21. His views on life are very inspirational. I believe the goodness of a person can be measured by how they react to bad things that are inflicted upon them. Of course, not everyone is put through the same type of tests, but with every test comes some sort of opportunity for greatness.

Last night, everyone was invited to a VIP party. It was outdoors, surrounded by palm trees, search lights and projection screens. The music pumped and the top shelf liquor runneth over. It happened to be a very windy night which was not good for the aesthetics of the event. A 3 foot tall ice sculpture of a goat/pony toppled over onto a curious young girl who only wanted to taste the seafood salad.

The food was supposed to be better at this event, but unfortunately, I was still greatly underwhelmed. The sad excuse they have for sushi is dry and ginger-less and lacks flavor and zest. The deserts are dry, the deafood is overcooked, the wine is wattery, the champagne is pungent in all the wrong ways...I could go on... Maybe it is just that I have been spoiled by living in New York and having the best of the best all the time. However, even if you compare this food to TGIFridays, it's still on a much lower level. Maybe these people are unable to decipher the difference between good food and crap.

I am really excited to go home and get Thai and Sushi and Pizza! Even though the food here is really bad, I am not going hungry. I feel like since there is a variety of things to try, I find that I must try it all. So I walk around endlessly taking one bite of something and throwing the rest away. I guess maybe I have seen and tried too much so I am hard to impress.

I can't get enough of the ocean. I really would like to live within a close proximity of it when I settle down.

I keep having dreams where something bad happens. Perhaps I feel guilty about being on vacation. Especially a vacation like this where I have no obligations and I am getting absolutely nothing productive done. And I am getting fat, on bad food nonetheless. Oh well. I must go lay by the pool and read. F this VIP section shit. I must find boppy and try to plan an escape to the pueblas!

Gripes.

You know what I don't like?

When guys ask for your number and act all interested. Then don't call. Why must they do that and play head games with me?