All good things must come to an end.

So I told Kyle I loved him 2 days ago. Then I proceeded to cry like a baby during sex because he is leaving so soon. I think I just feel too much. I submitted my PhD proposal today. I am 99.9% sure I will get in. I can't spend the next 4+ years of my life hurting because the person I love lives far far away. Yes, I did think he was my soulmate. But with ends come new beginnings. I would like to catch up with him years from now and see where he is at. But we are both embarking on long term educations and I am pretty sure people change a lot during these. We had a lot of great times together and he really got me better than most people. I still love him as a person, I just have to force myself not to be in love with him.

I am starting to feel good about this ::takes another swig of green ginger wine:: I am just worried this relationship fits in with my trends of relationships...you know, how I fall for someone and the second that I can admit to myself that I love them,I break it off. Oh well. These relationships didn't work out for a reason I guess and they have helped me to get a better idea of what I do what. At least I leave with no baggage.

Bikram Yoga, Pizza and Beer=The Cure

I have been pretty on edge all day. I always get into this mode where I know I have a lot on my plate and feel like I have to get everything done at once. I think New Zealand is helping me learn to relax a little. I think it was worse at home. I forget how primitive some people are here. I mean, its not like we're so advanced, its just that things move a lot faster.

I went to work, started writing up my lecture notes for the first day of class. It is actually quite interesting material. It shouldn't be a problem to get excited about and produce stimulating lectures.

Its been raining pretty much all day. After i left work, I walked to Bikram yoga where I focused on my breath more than usual. It was a really great class, more therapeutic than usual. Maybe it was just cause I really needed it.

After yoga it was pouring more than before, so I walked across the street to this organic pizza place. I got a pizza and a couple of beers and talked to the 2 guys working there. I forget how friendly I am. I worry about not having any friends, but I think what I am mostly worried about is that all the friends ive made here are pale in comparison to my relationship with Kyle. I mean, Ludi and Lisa are both really important to me, we have a history, I met them both the first week I was here, so naturally I will miss them a lot when they go. However, I think my friend freak-out is more due to losing Kyle.

On my way home, I was thinking about how kiwis are kind of primitive. Its strange, I've been thinking a lot lately about my flat mates. They are all really friendly, but I don't consider myself friends with any of them. Everyone kind of does their own thing. Aside from a couple of rides into town from Nick, no one has really gone out of their way to get to know me or take any steps toward being my friend. I talk to them whenever we are in the same room, I am usually in a good mood and make dumb jokes. I just don't get it. I mean, yeah they all know each other from college, so I get that I am the new girl who doesn't fit in, but no one has asked me any questions about my life or even what kind of music i listen to. I know more about the people i worked with at the restaurant for 2 months. Its really quite strange. I really like this neighborhood and how tidy my flatmates are, but quite frankly, I am bored here. I want a family/group of friends, or at least people to stay up with a drink beers with once in a while on a week night.

You can't have it all.

Where to begin. So much has happened in the last 5 months. I love New Zealand. My career is really taking off here. Of course I have had my moments when I was scared about money, friends, drinking too much, the American stereotype, missing home, missing family and friends, finding a place to live, and pretty much everything you can worry about. This is the biggest step I have ever taken in my life, so of course there is a lot of hurting, scariness and of course growing.

I have committed at least 3 years to living here. This will be a good step for my maturity, depth of meaning in my life, understanding of the value of money, understanding of the value of friends and family, etc.

This country is a beautiful place. People are friendly and I think since the country is so small, there is more of a sense of brotherhood. However, I am finding that even though people are friendly, it doesn't mean that they want to be my friend. I suppose you could say the same for a lot of cultures, so this is not the fault of NZ.

I have made 3 really good friends since I have been here. I have made several other friends, but none of which I call on when I am having a bad day. The hard part is that all 3 of my friends are transplants. Holland, France and Canada. This month I will be losing 2/3 of those people. One of which is my boyfriend.

Oh yeah, I finally want to tell someone significant that I've fallen in love with them and they're leaving in 4 weeks. Awesome timing. I never thought that I would meet someone who gets me, respects me, is intelligent and makes me laugh and who I find so attractive inside and out. I am so pissed that our relationship doesn't have more time to grow here. Of course, there is the possibility of a long distance relationship (which I swore I would never have). But I don't want to put stress on him and myself to keep in touch while we are both leading our busy lives thousands of miles apart. I have enough pen pals at the moment. I just feel like part of it will be, out of sight, out of mind" and we will slowly forget how incredible we are for each other.

I love him. I haven't said it yet. I am kinda waiting for him to say it, since I am afraid it will hurt too much if he doesn't say it back. That, and I want it to be said at the right moment because this is the first time I think I will truly mean it in the way they talk about it in the movies. Right now, at this moment, I can see sharing my life with him. I want to do so many things with him, simply cause my life is better lived with him than without him. He likes me for qualities that I want to be liked for and when I am having a bad day, just being near him lifts my mood exponentially. It's just so effortless being with him, and yet I think he makes me a better person without even trying. Fuck.

Hopefully my busy career/education will keep me busy enough so that I won't have time for loneliness. Get this, I just got a job teaching criminology to over 150 people starting the end of February. I have never taken a criminology course before, but I taught Soc of crime and deviance. I haven't read any of the course work yet, but I think it will be fine. I love getting up and performing in front of people, so I am sure I will make it work and they will love me. It will be nice to finally have somewhat of an income. Along with that, I am working on a research assistantship in the pharmacy department about the awareness and opinions of direct to consumer genetic testing in NZ. It is a pretty rad project which will get me published, so that's pretty neat. Oh, and of course, I am applying for my PhD here. Hopefully by next week I will have my application submitted. I am pretty sure the Soc department is pretty gung-ho to have me here, so that will be cool. I want to do it on consumer controlled medication due to Direct to consumer advertisement of pharmaceuticals and the vast amounts of medical information on the web. I wanna look at the discourse of diagnosis and ultimately the shift of doctor-patient relations. I hope they like my idea, if not, I hope they accept me anyway, cause PhD ideas are always changing anyway.

Woah this is becoming longer than anticipated. But, I feel a little better. Perhaps I should get on with writing in here more regularly.

Cheers!