Who am I?

I used to play this game a lot at home, where you take an index card or a small piece of paper and write the name of some famous or familiar person or character on it and stick it to someone elses forehead. You do this in a group and everyone has to ask yes or no questions in a circle, until they get a 'no'. You win by guessing your person/character first. Lately, I have been wondering who I am. It is so hard to see yourself through the eyes of another. So why am I so obsessed with always trying to?

Cooley's "looking glass self" is a psychological method where we try to see ourselves as others in our current social setting see us. We then act according to what they think of us. This is how I believe I have lived much of my life. This is a terrible way to attempt to learn about yourself, if you ask me. I really need to stop trying to live up to other people's standards of me. I know that at the end of the day I am alone, and at the end of life, we all die alone. This is a solitary journey where the meanings in my life are what I make them. I am not saying this in a depressing way, just a realistic one.

I mean, you can have your family and close friends who actually know you, but all the acquaintances you meet along the way are mostly tools. Tools to help you realize things about yourself, tools to teach you about the world, tools to help you appreciate what you have. You can be a tool for them to help them learn about themselves as well. I hope that I am a good tool.

RJ helped me realize something last night. He played therapist and made me realize that I need talk therapy more than I know. I just want to be liked. I can't let go of Cooley's looking glass self. I want people to think I am smart and witty, but I don't think I am smart or witty. I want people to think I am stylish, but I don't think I am stylish (sometimes). I want people to think they can tell me anything and be open with me, but I know I am not the most trustworthy person. I have a lot of conflicting ideas about myself and what I want others to see in me. I am a contradiction. I am still trying to figure out why this is. I cover it all up really well.

Quarantined and Kept

Monday I came home to find my apartment in the messiest condition EVER. It's annoying to come home from vacation and have everything in your kitchen, living room and bathroom be in disarray. I immediately started cleaning my bedroom, in hopes that somebody would come over and adopt my cat. Later on, Jason and I did some laundry and then I went to Prospect park to see David Byrne (of the Talking Heads) play a free show, and to meet up with Blair.

There were a bajillion hippies everywhere, sprawled out on the grass, smoking grass and loving life. I finally found B and we went to a diner to get some eats. After a lovely night, I woke up and went straight to work at PTTV. I finished my flyer and then stopped home to pick up clothes for the next day. My bed is sealed with plastic so that in case if Pika pees anymore, I can easily get rid of the scent. Not to say that I mind sleeping at B's house. :)

After a quick slice of pizza and a trip home, I went to meet up with B at Cobble Hill cinemas to see Angels and Demons. It was pretty good, I thought. I didn't actually finish the book, so the ending threw me for a loop. One part of the movie with I particularly enjoyed was how they portrayed the press. The news companies from around the world shown in the movie were always misinformed and wrong, doling out incorrect or incomplete information. I felt like this was an accurate portrayal of news media and applaud Ron Howard for including this aspect in the movie.