Let me sleep some more.

I have been having really weird dreams lately, but what else is new. I just had a really intense Tony moment and I felt an urge to write him a letter.

Dear Tony,

I can't say that I miss you because I can't picture you in my life anymore, since you have been gone for so long. I see similar qualities of yours in other people and find them autamatically endearing. I miss the safety I felt in your bedroom and the candid conversations we used to have. I miss that closeness you feel when you're with someone who has been friends though what you think of as the toughest years of your life. I think you would be proud of me. You probably didn't see my life as turning out like this. I wonder what you would be doing if you were alive. I hope you would still create art, perhaps get into graphic design or marketing. I just listened to dream to make believe and imagined I was in your bed with lauren and alex. I used to feel so safe then. Not that I don't feel safe now, its just...so different, who I am now. Then, I needed other people to make me feel safe. I think I have found safety within myself now. I have a lot more faith in me. It isn't good or bad, its just...different, I suppose. I really wish we could have continued growing up together. Perhaps in another life we can be close like we used to be. You were like a little ball of laughter and sass that made even the most awkward situations feel like home. I miss your spunky style, the way you were always reinventing yourself and your creativity. You were friends with so many people of so many different genres. I think we had that in common. I know that I am like you were in many ways and I am thankful that you influenced my life (minus giving me my first cigarette). I wish we could stay up all night and drive around listening to music. I would wish for that if I ever met a genie. You have forever made a mark on my heart. Thank you for being my guardian angel. I love you forever.

Nicole

Me Day

Today started out a bit rocky. I woke up, knowing me and boppy were in a fight. I initially felt awkward, but tried to play it off like I didn't care. I got a lot of work done for PTTV. I am working on some publicity stuff and networking for our upcoming open house. This means I had to search all the NYC colleges and find e-mail addresses of faculty members in the programs for which our ethos is capable of being relevant for. I am actually really excited for our open house and I hope a lot of interesting people show up. However, I am not so good at party planning.

After being productive, I decided to visit Tony. I got out a lot of angst and tears. I have been extremely lachrymose lately. I don't know what it is, but I feel like this is a weird moment for me. I feel like I am all the sudden waiting in the sag of a valley, waiting to climb the next peak. I have been realizing that I have been less than kind to the people that mean the most to me. I feel awful about it. Maybe I have more psychological breakdown than I thought. I have really been manic lately.

Anyway, back to happy thoughts. After visiting my beloved Tony, I decided to go to Borders and use my gift card from Dad and Jean. I wound up getting the new Regina Spektor (which is so profound and remarkable) and Slapstick by Kurt Vonnegut. I had a nice couple of hours at the book store. That always seems to calm me down.

After finding out that Bruce had reaped the benefits of an expired speeding ticket, had his GF over and wouldn't be able to get dinner with me tonight as we had planned, I called back Stephen (who I worked on that song with). He asked me out to dinner last night, and we were planning to possibly get a drink tonight, I decided that would be the perfect idea.

He told me that he was about to go to the shooting range and I was stoked and all about it. I picked him up and we went to the range. He has a few guns, but the one we used tonight is a sexy black 9mm. I hadn't shot a gun since sleep away camp when I was 13. It was just what I needed. So exhilarating and stress-releasing. I have been doing this thing lately where I try to do something that scares me whenever the opportunity presents itself.

After shooting, we went to Tai Show and got some grub. I hadn't been there in so long and it used to be my spot at least once a week when I went to Dowling, so I am sure you can imagine. We had a really fun night. He is totally not my type but he makes me laugh and sometimes its at him, sometimes with him. However, a good times nonetheless. Def helped to heighten my mood.

Tony's Birthday

The 28th marked the 5th year that tony has been in heaven. I woke up, anticipating practice with Kim but then we wound up going to the beach. Which was incredible and just what i needed. Kim left for Seattle today. We had a lovely day at the beach, or at least a couple of great hours. Then I went off to Tony's birthday. It was good to see some people I hadn't seen in a while. I ate some pretty great food and let a balloon go with a note on it, like I do every year. Mine is the purple one in the pic.

After that, I went to go pick up my phone which I accidentally left in Kim's car. I picked it up and failed in finding other plans. Instead, I came home and got into a fight with my mom. A stupid fight. An avoidable fight. Over something so very quotidian. Ugh. I feel like a big doodie.

Cursive

Played an amazing show the other night. Kim and I went to Bowery and they rocked our worlds. I had an out of body experience and really felt Tony standing next to me at one point. It may have just been all the alcohol, however, I had a great night with Kim.