Identity Crisis.

Ok. So i have been recently asking myself "What am I doing here?" Don't get me wrong. I have gotten more than i could ever ask for; a stable income, the opportunity to grow in the area that I want to, a great flat, some great friends...but I just had a meeting with one of my potential advisers who asked me why I want to study what I want to study and I had a hard time answering. I guess I never really thought about it. DTCA have always gotten me riled up because they play a personal role in my life, but there is something deeper that I haven't quite figured out. Everything seems so black and white - big pharma=bad, doctors=good. He asked me if maybe I would be better off studying my topic in pharmacy or media studies. I feel as if my whole adult life I have strived toward being a sociologist. It has always been the one thing I am sure that I will want to do forever. Lately, I have felt inadequate and out of place. I feel as if I am trying so hard to collect, interpret and digest data, just to have my topic changed to find more information to collect and interpret, to just go back to the first stuff I had originally thought I would use. Its like waking up and trying on 10 outfits before realizing not even the first one was alright. On top of all this, I need a creative outlet. I don't feel much like myself. I am buying a guitar next week/maybe tomorrow. that should help. I am starting to think that if I study media, I am better off doing it in the good ol' USA, or at least canada. Part of me wants to change my topic entirely. Or maybe I need to take some time off from applying for a PhD and teach at Briarcliffe and Dowling. At least I know I can do those things and I felt like I was growing a lot as a teacher there. I just feel like I want to study something else, maybe. Maybe this whole DTC thing should just be dropped and I should come up with something less interesting to soak my brain in. Maybe this is just a whole learning process. Maybe i should just accept defeat and move on. I really just don't know anymore.

Hopeless?

I have been so bored lately. Work is not going as fast as I would like and I feel like much of my work is becoming redundant. I really like it here, but I am questioning staying. It would be nice to not have to sell my car. I think I found a new appreciation for home, but I am not quite sure it is where I would like to live. I really would like to go away for my doctorate. I am just not so sure here or now are the time and place. I keep having to rewrite my proposal. It is so frustrating thinking about starting again at square one. I am beginning to lose hope. I know it will be difficult to come back here after my trip home in June/July. I am starting to wonder if maybe my time here is almost up. I just feel like getting a doctorate is the next step. I want it so bad, but lately I have been questioning myself a lot. Maybe I am not ready for it. Maybe I should just teach for a few more years or maybe I should just do what I am doing here somewhere else, get more experience and then reapply to schools in the states. I feel lazy and I don't believe its all my fault. Ugh. I just want this feeling to go away.

somuchtodosomuchtodo

I am headed for the busiest week of my life. I move on Thursday. I am going to see MGMT Thursday night and I go to Welly Fri- Sun.

My lecture kinda sucked today. I am not so happy about that. Next weeks hasto be kick ass but i don't have nearly enough time to learn all the things I am supposed to know already. this is really scary and frustrating. I wish I could have someone else teach next week's class for me. Crap. I am pretty sure the cat is out of the bag as of today and that my students know I don't know as much about the topic as i should. Gah. Well...they can't expect me to be some genius, even though that would be ideal. I have never taught this class before OR 200 people. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. Definitely.

Let me sleep some more.

I have been having really weird dreams lately, but what else is new. I just had a really intense Tony moment and I felt an urge to write him a letter.

Dear Tony,

I can't say that I miss you because I can't picture you in my life anymore, since you have been gone for so long. I see similar qualities of yours in other people and find them autamatically endearing. I miss the safety I felt in your bedroom and the candid conversations we used to have. I miss that closeness you feel when you're with someone who has been friends though what you think of as the toughest years of your life. I think you would be proud of me. You probably didn't see my life as turning out like this. I wonder what you would be doing if you were alive. I hope you would still create art, perhaps get into graphic design or marketing. I just listened to dream to make believe and imagined I was in your bed with lauren and alex. I used to feel so safe then. Not that I don't feel safe now, its just...so different, who I am now. Then, I needed other people to make me feel safe. I think I have found safety within myself now. I have a lot more faith in me. It isn't good or bad, its just...different, I suppose. I really wish we could have continued growing up together. Perhaps in another life we can be close like we used to be. You were like a little ball of laughter and sass that made even the most awkward situations feel like home. I miss your spunky style, the way you were always reinventing yourself and your creativity. You were friends with so many people of so many different genres. I think we had that in common. I know that I am like you were in many ways and I am thankful that you influenced my life (minus giving me my first cigarette). I wish we could stay up all night and drive around listening to music. I would wish for that if I ever met a genie. You have forever made a mark on my heart. Thank you for being my guardian angel. I love you forever.

Nicole

Who am I?

I used to play this game a lot at home, where you take an index card or a small piece of paper and write the name of some famous or familiar person or character on it and stick it to someone elses forehead. You do this in a group and everyone has to ask yes or no questions in a circle, until they get a 'no'. You win by guessing your person/character first. Lately, I have been wondering who I am. It is so hard to see yourself through the eyes of another. So why am I so obsessed with always trying to?

Cooley's "looking glass self" is a psychological method where we try to see ourselves as others in our current social setting see us. We then act according to what they think of us. This is how I believe I have lived much of my life. This is a terrible way to attempt to learn about yourself, if you ask me. I really need to stop trying to live up to other people's standards of me. I know that at the end of the day I am alone, and at the end of life, we all die alone. This is a solitary journey where the meanings in my life are what I make them. I am not saying this in a depressing way, just a realistic one.

I mean, you can have your family and close friends who actually know you, but all the acquaintances you meet along the way are mostly tools. Tools to help you realize things about yourself, tools to teach you about the world, tools to help you appreciate what you have. You can be a tool for them to help them learn about themselves as well. I hope that I am a good tool.

RJ helped me realize something last night. He played therapist and made me realize that I need talk therapy more than I know. I just want to be liked. I can't let go of Cooley's looking glass self. I want people to think I am smart and witty, but I don't think I am smart or witty. I want people to think I am stylish, but I don't think I am stylish (sometimes). I want people to think they can tell me anything and be open with me, but I know I am not the most trustworthy person. I have a lot of conflicting ideas about myself and what I want others to see in me. I am a contradiction. I am still trying to figure out why this is. I cover it all up really well.

"Look at me, oh look at me, is this the way I've always been?"

It has been a really eventful week, I suppose. Monday I lectured my first class at Uni. I felt like I totally choked and forgot all my big girl words. It was like a nightmare. I am sure it didn't go as bad as I thought it did, but at the time, I had the worst dry mouth, was sweaty as hell and fidgeting like no other. I realize that I didn't prep as much as I should have. I spent all my free time playing Cityville on facebook and watching romantic comedies. This is not the way to prepare for a lecture in front of almost 200 people.

Sometimes I need a kick in the ass or for something really embarrassing to happen in order to make a change in my life. Monday night after class, I ran into Louise on the street and made her come get a happy hour drink with me. I needed to forget how horrible i thought it went. All of the reflecting that I was doing was exacerbated by drinking, and my medications made me want to drink more. Finally, after about 4 glasses of wine and 2 bottles of bubbly, I spewed all over Jamses' bed and floor.

I had remembered in February thinking about taking a 2 week break from alcohol. This seemed like the right time to do it. So, Starting on the first of March (Tuesday) I decided to give up drinking for 2 weeks. This is a challenge. I don't think I have gone without a drink for 2 weeks since I was 20. I realize that I depend on it a lot to forget about things that I worry about, but I think in reality it perpetuates my worries because I worry that I need a drink all the time and drinks cost money which I don't have. Yeah, my life may be slightly less eventful for a little while, but at least I will remember what is going on. I do remember, back before I became dependent on alcohol, that things meant a lot more.

I am actually hoping that this 2 weeks teaches me something, that I don't need to drink as much as I thought I did, and that I don't have to drink at every social event, and that I can be fun and social without alcohol.

If I don't drink as much, then eventually I think I will give up smoking, since the time when I am most inclined to smoke is when I am drinking. I think this will be a turning point in my life. I need to see things clearer, to know where I am going. Because I know where I am going is great, and I don't want to miss my exit and get lost in the haze.

GAH! I am so angry right now! I need to move.

Ok. So. I got back from Leigh, a lovely weekend with Kyle, we went horseback riding on the beach, nude swimming in the ocean, snorkeling, wine tasting and ate really yummy food; and I get this text from my flatmate Olive. It says "Hey nicole did you by any chance drink some beers that were in the fridge? mine seem to have ended up empty on the lawn"

I was offended that she asked me. I had been gone all weekend and I have my own beers in the fridge, thank you very much. I txted back and forth with her a few times today and everything seems to be OK. She is pissed that one of the guys lied to her about it. I feel like the second anything goes wrong here, I get the finger pointed at me because everyone i live with has known each other so long. I would never do something like that. I think its becoming a case of me Vs. them and I want to move out. Anyway, I took my meds this morning, and sometimes they give me the D. I must have gone to the bathroom 3x this morning before i left for work. I came home from work to find a note on the bathroom door saying "DEAR PERSON WHO LIKES TO LEAVE SKIDS + SHARDS OF SHIT IN THE TOILET ALL THE TIME. PLEASE CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF-THAT'D BE REALLY NEAT." I think I fucked up this morning and didn't flush twice, usually I am really good about it though. Sometimes I go in there and its messy and its not mine. But I have a feeling that this morning it was my fault. I will be more careful about it. But it was a really nasty note, I felt the hostility.

Needless to say, I want to move out sooner than planned. I just don't really feel any sort of connection to anyone I live with. I hate feeling like a hermit, holed up in my room. I hate feeling like an outsider in my own home. I want out. I feel bad that I will be screwing over John and the rest of the people I live with, but I just don't think I can live here for much longer. I don't hate anyone, I just hate that this house doesn't feel like a home. I want a family dammit. I don't have one here and I have never lived with people that I wanted to be a family with. It sucks.

PMS. WAH!

Ugh. I have been so moody this past week. The last time I went to yoga I cried almost the entire time. I've been known to get a little teary eyed after back bends, but this was intense and I couldn't stop it. I have been a bit worried this past week that I got pregnant of something because its been really intense, and my boobs are huge all the sudden. It turns out i'm due. Typical. I hope I get it soon though, cause or else ill start to worry fo rills.

A few things that have been pissing me off lately...

1) Kyle is leaving me.
2) I am homesick.
3) I lack freedom because i don't have a car/ i have to walk everywhere.
4) I thought I made rad new friends from Sponge bar, and the one whose number I have isn't returning my text. I have no idea why.
5) I want more money-I want to take an art class, buy a new bag, buy sneakers, buy work clothes.
6) I am bloated and I feel fat and my stomach hurts.

WAHHHH

OH and something else. I hate it when I go to yoga and I put my stuff down and then some idiot puts their stuff directly in front of me so i can't see the mirror. That's fucked.

All good things must come to an end.

So I told Kyle I loved him 2 days ago. Then I proceeded to cry like a baby during sex because he is leaving so soon. I think I just feel too much. I submitted my PhD proposal today. I am 99.9% sure I will get in. I can't spend the next 4+ years of my life hurting because the person I love lives far far away. Yes, I did think he was my soulmate. But with ends come new beginnings. I would like to catch up with him years from now and see where he is at. But we are both embarking on long term educations and I am pretty sure people change a lot during these. We had a lot of great times together and he really got me better than most people. I still love him as a person, I just have to force myself not to be in love with him.

I am starting to feel good about this ::takes another swig of green ginger wine:: I am just worried this relationship fits in with my trends of relationships...you know, how I fall for someone and the second that I can admit to myself that I love them,I break it off. Oh well. These relationships didn't work out for a reason I guess and they have helped me to get a better idea of what I do what. At least I leave with no baggage.

Let go of the old and embrace the new.

I had to say goodbye to one of my best friends of the last 5 months yesterday. I guess I have to focus on out of sight out of mind. I have a full life, I just wish it were filled with more meaningful connections. I am getting by. I miss home. Some days are better than others. I am baking cookies tonight and Kyle is coming over. I am going to try to drag him to a drag show haha. I got to talk to Carrie and Boppy on Skype today. That made me super happy/miss them more.

Obladi obla da, life goes on.