I'm Freakin' Out

Okay. So I have been really manic depressive lately. I just want to sit in my room and watch The L Word. I finished moving all my stuff and am thus, a resident on Long Island once again. I have so much shit in my bedroom and I can't make heads or tails of it. I hate it when my personal belongings are in a chaotic mess. The whole time I lived away from home, I have to say that my room was clean, at least cleaner than the rest of the apt. Now i have years of old items that I can't seem to get rid of, taking up space and clouding my mind. I hate it.

I am still really sad about blair. I really, really liked him. I have been feeling like maybe this happened to me because I come off as desperate. When I go to Taiwan I will work on my inner-self and self-worth. I keep reading a lot about Taoism, Daoism, Confucianism and Buddhism. These are all peaceful and work through knowledge of the self, in relation to the world around. In order to understand the universe, one must understand oneself first. I thought I had a pretty good understanding of myself, but I can always work more on that. I think its pretty cool that Taiwan doesn't subscribe to Christianity. I would really like to do a sociological study of how this affects their national mantra, as opposed to gentile countries. From what I have been reading, their psychological, peaceful outlook is incredible and life-changing. I know this type of indoctrinated, peace-keeping mentality is mostly due to the roots of this tiny, chinese-inspired island; however, it won't hurt to try to relate the psycho-social aspects of their world to my own.

I am sad also because I haven't been able to say goodbye to some people (Carrie, in particular). Normally, this may not bother me, but the emotional state I am in is pretty needy, even though I like to sit by myself a lot and think and cry. I feel like I push her away a lot when I get sad, and when she gets sad I push her away too because thats what I think I want when I am sad. I feel like Carrie and my relationship can be likened to a married couple, at times. We are very different and that is how it works. I could never be with someone too much like me, because I drive myself crazy. I know I need to learn how to regulate my mood swings and learn how to deal with my inner turmoil, and I hope to do this. I am just going through crap right now and haven't felt like meditating or doing yoga or anything that usually makes me feel better; and I don't ever want to go back on anti-depressants.

I am kind of sad about losing some of my independence. I hate the fact that I need to let mom know when I need the car. I know this is a temporary phase, but it is still restraining my personal freedom.

I am also sad that the summer is over. However, I shouldn't be allowed to complain about this because I am going away for almost a whole month. I am just really sad that I can feel it is getting colder, and I cannot go to Robert Moses 5 anymore this year.

I feel like it helps to note why I am feeling sad, just so I can understand better, and alleviate some issues. Lately, I feel like all I do is cry. Cry and drink.

I leave for Taiwan tomorrow night. I hope the plane rides don't suck.