Who am I?

I used to play this game a lot at home, where you take an index card or a small piece of paper and write the name of some famous or familiar person or character on it and stick it to someone elses forehead. You do this in a group and everyone has to ask yes or no questions in a circle, until they get a 'no'. You win by guessing your person/character first. Lately, I have been wondering who I am. It is so hard to see yourself through the eyes of another. So why am I so obsessed with always trying to?

Cooley's "looking glass self" is a psychological method where we try to see ourselves as others in our current social setting see us. We then act according to what they think of us. This is how I believe I have lived much of my life. This is a terrible way to attempt to learn about yourself, if you ask me. I really need to stop trying to live up to other people's standards of me. I know that at the end of the day I am alone, and at the end of life, we all die alone. This is a solitary journey where the meanings in my life are what I make them. I am not saying this in a depressing way, just a realistic one.

I mean, you can have your family and close friends who actually know you, but all the acquaintances you meet along the way are mostly tools. Tools to help you realize things about yourself, tools to teach you about the world, tools to help you appreciate what you have. You can be a tool for them to help them learn about themselves as well. I hope that I am a good tool.

RJ helped me realize something last night. He played therapist and made me realize that I need talk therapy more than I know. I just want to be liked. I can't let go of Cooley's looking glass self. I want people to think I am smart and witty, but I don't think I am smart or witty. I want people to think I am stylish, but I don't think I am stylish (sometimes). I want people to think they can tell me anything and be open with me, but I know I am not the most trustworthy person. I have a lot of conflicting ideas about myself and what I want others to see in me. I am a contradiction. I am still trying to figure out why this is. I cover it all up really well.

McCarren

Yesterday was my one day to relax. I went with Carrie to McCarren park and met up with a bunch of people. We had a picnic of sorts and people watched. Every time I go there and look for a spot on the grass to lay out, I feel like I am looking for a spot at the beach. It is almost beach season! I can't wait.

Today was the first time I didn't bring my laptop to school in a while. I was pretty bored. I guess I have kind of been slacking in the classroom lately, but I feel like it is mostly due to researching for my upcoming papers. I feel like I have 3 jobs right now: Classwork, paper writing and trying to find a job for the summer. I still haven't heard back from any of the jobs to which I have been applying.

I guess you could say that I am kind of in the dumps. I am broke and busy and tired and ... ja know? I am excited to go to Maine this weekend, but I know I will have to get a shit ton of work done up there as well. It never ends! Well, actually, it does..in about 3 weeks. Hooray!

I am just really glad that I have such good friends to pick me up when I am feeling crappy. Last night Carrie drove me home before I made an ass of myself, today Kim took me out to Sea for dinner and Jason makes me laugh on the daily, and Kristen is always down for a good chat. So I guess everything doesn't suck.

See?! Who says writing in a journal isn't like therapy?