Incompetent.

Today I was walking the concourse between 123 and L and I saw a blind man with 2 other people, helping him walk along. I was thinking, I would never want to be one of those people helping him. I know. How self-centered and foolhardy of me. But in all honesty. I wouldn't. Then I was thinking that 'god' doesn't give anyone more than they can handle and challenges us everyday because 'he' knows we can overcome it. What about all those people who commit suicide? They couldn't handle it.

I don't know if I just have the beginning of the semester blues or if I really am incompetent. I feel like all I do is read. I read so much that I forget what I read. I get nervous to talk in class because I don't sound as good as everyone else. Even in my undergrad classes, I feel like everyone knows so much more about everything than me. Often when I make comments in class, I try to make a serious point and people laugh, because they think that I was trying to be funny. I mean, sometimes I try to be funny but I guess my peers are conditioned to laugh at me regardless. And, if they don't laugh, someone will combat my statement and I will get baffled and not know what to say.

I should be happy and focus on where I am coming from. I am the only person at columbia right now to study sociology/mass media and ideology. All my work should reflect that. But I am starting to doubt what I know. Other students in my classes remember explicitly articles that we read last October. I can barely remember what I read earlier today. Maybe my memory is the problem. No matter how many notes I take or how many words I highlight I just never get some things. I know I am smart. I am just not smart like everyone else. I think differently I guess. I am trying to see that as a good thing. But its hard.

I know I am going to get through this semester. I will probably do good too. But I will not have a social life. I will barely leave my house unless it is to go to school. I know that it will be over before I know it and I will forever tell everyone that 'Columbia was soo easy, I loved it soo much'. If you are reading this, you will know that it is not. I have never worked this hard in my life and I doubt I will ever again. I mean, what other kind of job requires 98% of your time?