Who am I?

I used to play this game a lot at home, where you take an index card or a small piece of paper and write the name of some famous or familiar person or character on it and stick it to someone elses forehead. You do this in a group and everyone has to ask yes or no questions in a circle, until they get a 'no'. You win by guessing your person/character first. Lately, I have been wondering who I am. It is so hard to see yourself through the eyes of another. So why am I so obsessed with always trying to?

Cooley's "looking glass self" is a psychological method where we try to see ourselves as others in our current social setting see us. We then act according to what they think of us. This is how I believe I have lived much of my life. This is a terrible way to attempt to learn about yourself, if you ask me. I really need to stop trying to live up to other people's standards of me. I know that at the end of the day I am alone, and at the end of life, we all die alone. This is a solitary journey where the meanings in my life are what I make them. I am not saying this in a depressing way, just a realistic one.

I mean, you can have your family and close friends who actually know you, but all the acquaintances you meet along the way are mostly tools. Tools to help you realize things about yourself, tools to teach you about the world, tools to help you appreciate what you have. You can be a tool for them to help them learn about themselves as well. I hope that I am a good tool.

RJ helped me realize something last night. He played therapist and made me realize that I need talk therapy more than I know. I just want to be liked. I can't let go of Cooley's looking glass self. I want people to think I am smart and witty, but I don't think I am smart or witty. I want people to think I am stylish, but I don't think I am stylish (sometimes). I want people to think they can tell me anything and be open with me, but I know I am not the most trustworthy person. I have a lot of conflicting ideas about myself and what I want others to see in me. I am a contradiction. I am still trying to figure out why this is. I cover it all up really well.

New Beginnings!

Things have been much better lately. I actually LOVE teaching and have found it to be really rewarding. I just posted grades last night. I got my schedule for next semester and it kind of sucks because I will have to work during my Paper Tiger meetings and I have to wake up at 6:30 twice a week.

I have been getting a bit of seasonal depression, but I leave for St. Martin in 2 days and then I am going to Miami with some friends in January.

Winters are too long in NY. I keep telling myself that I am going to move to California for school. I applied to 4 schools there, but I have a feeling I will wind up going to Steinhardt at NYU instead. It is the perfect program for me, I just wish it were located on the west coast.

OH! I am so excited. I made prospective travel plans for the summer. I will be visiting my friend Elsa in France for a couple of weeks and then I am going to meet up with my friend Melissa and probably go to Berlin and maybe Amsterdam. Then in August, I am going to go back to Taiwan, and hopefully Thailand/Bangkok or Hong Kong.

I hope that 2010 will be better than 2009. As for my reflecting on the good times of 2009. I have a few positive notes to make.
-Graduating Columbia
-Going to Taiwan
-Starting Teaching
-Applying to schools
-Writing Music

Getting Saved From Juifen!

After finding out that there was no way for Amanda and I to get home from Juifen, a big black SUV appeared and a guy got out(he was picking up his friend). Amanda was stating that she might just ask him for a ride back to Taipei. He didn't overhear this conversation and within 5 minutes asked us if we were going to Taipei. We were like 'YES"! So we got in the car. Under any other circumstances, I would not have hitchhiked, however, since I read that hitchhiking is a popular way to get around here, and since I was with Amanda, I figured it would be OK. There was a huge language barrier, however we got some basic information across. We stopped on the way because they guys wanted to get some Beetlema. This is a popular asian pseudo-drug, kind of like chewing tobacco. It is these green nuts that you chew on and spit out the juice from. Amanda and I both tried it. It was disgusting. After we got back to Taipei, we met up with two of these guys friends (So all in all there was Tai, Lim, Ooh and I forget the fourth guys name).

We all went to this restaurant called Indian. There were all these cool dinosaur skeletons all over the place. I felt like I was in a Jurassic park graveyard!! We got a mini keg which we all shared. We played this 'game' called Gambin. This is what you say before you drink and it signifies that everyone drinking has to finish their cup. I ate FROG! I figured it would be appropriate because I was in a reptilian restaurant.

After singing blue moon for the guys at the table, because they asked me to, they all said that we should go to KTV Partyworld! So we went there and got a room and sang our hearts out! We got 3 more mini kegs and we had a lot of fun! YAY!

Making Our Own Little Chapters

Yesterday, when Cres came home from work he was really pissed because of some unfair crap that happened at his job. He vented for a bit and then we went with his roomie, Bernie, to get some delicious scallion pancakes with egg in the middle from some street vendor. I am slowly but surely trying to learn as much mandarin as possible. We hung out on the home front for a bit and I took a nap before we went to Sway's apt.

We went to Sway's and I met her amazing roomie Amanda and then Jeremy and Max came over, two of my other new and incredible friends. We danced, put on fake eyelashes, made grilled cheese, drank beers, got dressy, watched vids, took a billion pictures and videos, hung out on the roof, danced some more, ate Sway's delicious homemade dumplings, listened to really great music....its nights like these that I can forget all the reasons why life sucks sometimes and just be happy.

P.S.-We made plans to dress up like pirates and go shrimping.

5 Year High School Reunion

Thursday night was my 5 year high school reunion. I was dreading it and did not want to go alone. So luckily Lauren came with me. It was held at SideBar in Union Square. There was to be open bar from 8-9 and free appetizers. Upon entering I saw Erika (who actually owns SideBar with a group of people) and David (a sort of akward wallflower throughout hs). Lauren and I quickly got inebriated and as the people started coming, I found myself increasingly saying 'This is SO weird'. Basically all you did with everyone was walk about what your status is now. This is how it went down with everyone.

Them: Nicole Andersen!
ME: HEY ____ ______!
Them: You look great!
ME: So do you!
Them: What are you doing these days?
ME: I am an adjunct professor of sociology/am in a band/make videos for a non profit org. You?
Them: Blablablabla
Me: Cool! Bye!

Lol you can imagine how boring that gets. But it most certainly is fun to toot my own horn. Anyway, I reunited with Brian, this guy who was kind of a trouble maker in HS, who got kicked out/sent to boarding school halfway through. He brought a friend, Morgan and the four of us had a great time talking and we all went back to my apt to hang out after. We all had a really good time. The next day, I had proposed that we all go to the beach but it was really gross out. So I went to Morgan and Brian's and we watched movies all day. They have a ton of pets at their house. A dog, 2 cats, a ferret, a sugar glider, a lizard of some sort, a guinea pig... I brought lulu over later on in the day and she got to play with the dog and the ferret. It was really cute.

Later on, we went in Brian's parent's pool. He has a fucking tennis court in the back yard of the house he grew up in. Our astrological stuff is really similar. It's weird but comfortable. I know, I need to watch out for those gemini's though.

Ottowans and Pina Coladas

March, 20, 2008
1:39 PM

After our challenging day in town, Boppy made two new friends at the lobby bar while I slept. I met up at dinner with them. They were both lovely ladies from Ottowa (Sara and Maureen). Sara is getting married next week and Maureen was wasted when I met her. We hung out with them the next day, by the pool and we talked a whole bunch. I liked them a whole bunch more than the dumb 17 year olds I met at the bar. They were both 15-20 years older than me. Very wise on womanhood and definitely hilarious and not afraid to talk about silly things. Boppy and I had a lot of fun with them.

Yesterday I started to feel sick, and realized that I hadn't made any bowels for the majority of the trip. I spend the majority of yesterday in bed, drinking virgin pina coladas and taking laxatives, hoping that I could get rid of some of my discomfort. It didn't work. Now I am at the airport, very, very uncomfortable and I am about to get on a plane for the better part of 4 hours, only to arrive home and chug 40 ounces of warm water with sea salt so I can flush out my system. I guess all those drinks and bad buffet food caught up with me. I feel terrible!