A Lot Can Happen in Two Months.

Okay, so I realized sometimes its good to get things out on here. I just don't want to feel obligated to do it.

So, I have a girlfriend. All my close friends keep telling me I am jumping into a relationship too fast. I agree. I have only known her a month and a half. I feel like there is so much more I want to know about her before I am committed. Especially since the summer is coming and I am going to Europe for a month. Ugh. What am I doing? I really really like her. But part of me is a little unsettled.

I got a new car. I love it. But I shouldn't have put so much money down. I keep trying to get a second part time job, but its so hard right now. No one is hiring. I apply for jobs every day and still no one will hire me. I am worried that I will be in Europe and run out of cash.

I have an interview to be a tutor on Wednesday in the city. I hope it goes well.I haven't been to the city in a while. Maybe that's been dampening my mood too.

I think I need to go back on antidepressants. I feel that I am constantly worrying about things that are somewhat out of my control. I should be enjoying my freedom, not condemning it.

I didn't get into any doctoral programs. I feel that I had this path laid out, and now I am lost without a yellow brick road. I don't know what I am doing and its time for me to be an adult.

I think I am going to go live and work in New Zealand for a semester next year. The more traveling I do, the more valuable I am as a sociologist because I will have racked up more information about different cultures.

Anyway, I know this post was directionless. I just didn't know how to begin.

A 22 Page Rough Draft.

Since my mind has been so clear, I have been working very well. I think it has something to do with not understanding the language here. Normally, when I overhear people's conversations it allows me to put them in a box, in one way or another and things get boring because of that, because you are able to assume what other people are thinking. I guess that's why reading minds would be a boring superpower because after a while you would be able to predict everything people were about to say. At first, I have to say, I was scared because I can barely read or understand the world around me, but now I have come to find peace in it.

Anyway, this fresh state of mind has allowed me to work on my article what I want to try to get published. I am writing about pharmaceutical direct to consumer ads on the internet. I am looking at the direct and indirect ways of marketing and comparing internet ads to the previous forms of television and print. I will also be looking at these advertisements with regards to gender, age and race and who is most commonly targeted. I will also be looking at the medicalization, or recent surge of made up illness, and the designer drugs that are allowing this pill-popping craze to take over America and New Zealand. So far I have a 22 pg rough draft. It is nowhere near done, but it is nice to know that I am on the path.

Urban, Suburban and Beyond

Since I have moved I have become harder and more pretentious. This is good, I suppose, in the competitive world of academia and business, so I have definitely learned something here. However I feel like no matter how hard I try to avoid it, I still have my suburban-long island roots.

I know that most artists/writers have conflicted feelings about their homeland and I am no exception. Even though I have only been living off the island for 10 months, my outlook has drastically changed. I am more able to see the long island population from somewhat of an outside observer's perspective. This makes me want to move further away from long island, into another city or somewhere that I perceive would be better (though I know deep down that just maybe, LI is where I belong most). Maybe its not the place itself, but the people I am acquainted with that make me feel out of place. Maybe I just don't know where to meet the right people. Or maybe, people like me just don't hang out. That can't make any sense.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't feel like I belong anywhere, or maybe I just don't want to belong anywhere. It's not 'belonging' as much as fitting. Some people search the world to find somewhere they fit in, and then realize it was under their nose the whole time. Kind of like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.

I don't know, maybe a feeling of belonging isn't something that is ever stable or permanent. I know that I felt perfectly at home in my apt and like a family with my roomies a few months ago, but now I feel somewhat out of place because the new people that I have met out at bars who once seemed witty and mysterious really turned out to be boring and not worth my time. Maybe you have to actively search to belong or fit in, as it is something that is always changing with the dynamics of the people involved. I am going to keep chasing that rainbow, hopefully move to California for my doctorate, only to find out that the people on the west coast are just like the people on the east coast and I will have to go through disassociating myself all over again.

I found out that I am moving back to Long Island after I get back from Taiwan. My teaching job calls for work in Patchogue, and I do not want to commute, no sir! I am a bit disappointed that I have to move back home, as it felt so good to be somewhat independent. But I guess its for the best, especially since we are in a recession. Ugh, another crossroads lays out before me and I must say goodbye to the old and hello to the new.

BCL.EDU

I met with my new boss yesterday to discuss my future employment at Briarcliffe. I found out that I will not be teaching this summer, but will start in November. This kind of made me sad, but also happy because it means that I won't have a real job this summer. I was kind of looking forward to being a successful business woman, oh well, that dream will have to be postponed. She gave me a HUGE stack of paperwork to do before I can be employed. I really would like to slit my wrists, or paper-cut myself to death. haha.

The World of Social Media

So, since my obsession with Paper Tiger and other social justice media companies, I have entered into this whole world of figuring out what different non profit organizations do, and what they stand for. It is a world I never knew existed, but am so glad to have entered. Now that I am researching for internships or part time jobs, I have thrust myself into this world of non profit organizations. I must say, it feels good.

Last night, I went to talk to the woman, sort of in charge of paper tiger. She told me about the internship position that may be available. It is still tentative, because there is someone who may be staying the summer who originally said they were going to leave the country, so I don't know if I have that yet. However, regardless, I have chosen to be a collective member. This is sort of like a volunteer, but it is with a group of people who are interested in the same sort of social justice that I am, who I can really learn a lot from. I am thrilled to sort of be out in the business world. Even though I have barely begun this non profit adventure, I feel like I have already learned a lot about myself and how I come off in the business setting.

What I really love about Paper Tiger is that they have meetings once a week, and they are totally non hierarchical. It sort of feels like doing a group project for a class, where everyone is interested and wants to contribute information. My new pseudo-boss told us about a meeting tonight about the trajectory of social justice video's on the internet. It seems like a really important topic to me, especially since I just finished a paper about the trajectory of the public sphere with use of the internet for one of my classes.

I also agreed to volunteer for this healthcare thing. Since I am also working on and interested in direct to consumer pharmaceutical advertisements, AND I saw this particular group of activists called 'Healthcare Now' at the protest I surveyed, I feel like it would be interesting to help out with the videotaping of those kinds of things.

Ok. Enough about me.

The Daily Grind

I worked a double shift today. Proctoring is the easiest job ever! I sat in two rooms and read, partly scholastic reading and part of the 4th Twilight book. I went grocery shopping on the way home and made myself a delicious and nutritious dinner. Now I am beat. I know it's cinqo de mayo, but who really cares? Everyone is going out and getting shitty, but its rainy, I'm tired and it feels like any old rainy day.

Spring Feever

I have been overwhelmed with a certain sense of 'i just don't know what to do with myself' lately. I know I have so much work to do, but if the weather is nice, I just want to go out and enjoy it. But then the other half of me, is like 'No, don't do that, there is so much work to be done'! These next two weeks could not pass quickly enough.

Wall Street Protest

This is what I surveyed at today. It was quite blustery and I neglected to wear my coat, silly me. I met a cool girl from my dept who is in one of my classes, who was the other Columbia representative in our survey group. I was handing out and collecting surveys for a political science professor from the University of Florida, about a longitudinal study being conducted about the people who go to anti-war protest rallies; their population, association and demography. I conducted about 45 surveys (I was supposed to do 50). The turn out wasn't quite what they were expecting, but it was heavily supported nonetheless.