I'm On A Boat

Today was the last day of class at Columbia. It's weird, entering into this stage of uncertainty. I know I will be OK, its just that I feel like my life has been planned out, far in advance, pretty much till now.

After discussing Harry Potter in my novel class, (which i am now totally obsessed with by the way), I met up with Carrie at the movie theatre to see 17 again. It was OK. I was kind of expecting it to be better. I have never really been into Zac Efron, I think he is too pretty. But I like the way he moves. Anyway, after we went to Griffdogs, for some epic hotdogs with interesting trimmings. I had a hot dog with cream cheese, chives and everything bagel seeds. Pretty good. Carrie couldn't believe I have never been there. Our friend Barbie works there so we get em on the house.

So I thought of this analogy for my life right now. It's like I am fishing. Like hangin out of a boat, eating gummy worms...trying to catch a job, internship, man, doctoral program...etc.

BTW Jason says "what's up?"

Incompetent.

Today I was walking the concourse between 123 and L and I saw a blind man with 2 other people, helping him walk along. I was thinking, I would never want to be one of those people helping him. I know. How self-centered and foolhardy of me. But in all honesty. I wouldn't. Then I was thinking that 'god' doesn't give anyone more than they can handle and challenges us everyday because 'he' knows we can overcome it. What about all those people who commit suicide? They couldn't handle it.

I don't know if I just have the beginning of the semester blues or if I really am incompetent. I feel like all I do is read. I read so much that I forget what I read. I get nervous to talk in class because I don't sound as good as everyone else. Even in my undergrad classes, I feel like everyone knows so much more about everything than me. Often when I make comments in class, I try to make a serious point and people laugh, because they think that I was trying to be funny. I mean, sometimes I try to be funny but I guess my peers are conditioned to laugh at me regardless. And, if they don't laugh, someone will combat my statement and I will get baffled and not know what to say.

I should be happy and focus on where I am coming from. I am the only person at columbia right now to study sociology/mass media and ideology. All my work should reflect that. But I am starting to doubt what I know. Other students in my classes remember explicitly articles that we read last October. I can barely remember what I read earlier today. Maybe my memory is the problem. No matter how many notes I take or how many words I highlight I just never get some things. I know I am smart. I am just not smart like everyone else. I think differently I guess. I am trying to see that as a good thing. But its hard.

I know I am going to get through this semester. I will probably do good too. But I will not have a social life. I will barely leave my house unless it is to go to school. I know that it will be over before I know it and I will forever tell everyone that 'Columbia was soo easy, I loved it soo much'. If you are reading this, you will know that it is not. I have never worked this hard in my life and I doubt I will ever again. I mean, what other kind of job requires 98% of your time?

It's The Final Countdown!

Today is monumental.

Obama gets inaugurated and I start my 2nd and final semester at Columbia University. They are having events all over campus to celebrate the new presidency. I have to say, even though I didn't vote for Obama, I am excited about him going into office.

My class for today has been shortened to one hour. The class is called "Religion, Media and Anthropology". I was told that I may not be able to take it because too many Anthropology students have signed up. So I wrote the professor saying that this subject matter is vital to my thesis research, so hopefully they will let me stay in the class.