A Lot Can Happen in Two Months.

Okay, so I realized sometimes its good to get things out on here. I just don't want to feel obligated to do it.

So, I have a girlfriend. All my close friends keep telling me I am jumping into a relationship too fast. I agree. I have only known her a month and a half. I feel like there is so much more I want to know about her before I am committed. Especially since the summer is coming and I am going to Europe for a month. Ugh. What am I doing? I really really like her. But part of me is a little unsettled.

I got a new car. I love it. But I shouldn't have put so much money down. I keep trying to get a second part time job, but its so hard right now. No one is hiring. I apply for jobs every day and still no one will hire me. I am worried that I will be in Europe and run out of cash.

I have an interview to be a tutor on Wednesday in the city. I hope it goes well.I haven't been to the city in a while. Maybe that's been dampening my mood too.

I think I need to go back on antidepressants. I feel that I am constantly worrying about things that are somewhat out of my control. I should be enjoying my freedom, not condemning it.

I didn't get into any doctoral programs. I feel that I had this path laid out, and now I am lost without a yellow brick road. I don't know what I am doing and its time for me to be an adult.

I think I am going to go live and work in New Zealand for a semester next year. The more traveling I do, the more valuable I am as a sociologist because I will have racked up more information about different cultures.

Anyway, I know this post was directionless. I just didn't know how to begin.

Urban, Suburban and Beyond

Since I have moved I have become harder and more pretentious. This is good, I suppose, in the competitive world of academia and business, so I have definitely learned something here. However I feel like no matter how hard I try to avoid it, I still have my suburban-long island roots.

I know that most artists/writers have conflicted feelings about their homeland and I am no exception. Even though I have only been living off the island for 10 months, my outlook has drastically changed. I am more able to see the long island population from somewhat of an outside observer's perspective. This makes me want to move further away from long island, into another city or somewhere that I perceive would be better (though I know deep down that just maybe, LI is where I belong most). Maybe its not the place itself, but the people I am acquainted with that make me feel out of place. Maybe I just don't know where to meet the right people. Or maybe, people like me just don't hang out. That can't make any sense.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't feel like I belong anywhere, or maybe I just don't want to belong anywhere. It's not 'belonging' as much as fitting. Some people search the world to find somewhere they fit in, and then realize it was under their nose the whole time. Kind of like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.

I don't know, maybe a feeling of belonging isn't something that is ever stable or permanent. I know that I felt perfectly at home in my apt and like a family with my roomies a few months ago, but now I feel somewhat out of place because the new people that I have met out at bars who once seemed witty and mysterious really turned out to be boring and not worth my time. Maybe you have to actively search to belong or fit in, as it is something that is always changing with the dynamics of the people involved. I am going to keep chasing that rainbow, hopefully move to California for my doctorate, only to find out that the people on the west coast are just like the people on the east coast and I will have to go through disassociating myself all over again.

I found out that I am moving back to Long Island after I get back from Taiwan. My teaching job calls for work in Patchogue, and I do not want to commute, no sir! I am a bit disappointed that I have to move back home, as it felt so good to be somewhat independent. But I guess its for the best, especially since we are in a recession. Ugh, another crossroads lays out before me and I must say goodbye to the old and hello to the new.

BCL.EDU

I met with my new boss yesterday to discuss my future employment at Briarcliffe. I found out that I will not be teaching this summer, but will start in November. This kind of made me sad, but also happy because it means that I won't have a real job this summer. I was kind of looking forward to being a successful business woman, oh well, that dream will have to be postponed. She gave me a HUGE stack of paperwork to do before I can be employed. I really would like to slit my wrists, or paper-cut myself to death. haha.

Briarcliffe

Today I went to Briarcliffe to talk to my new boss. I am so excited that this is actually becoming a reality. I am going to be a professor in a matter of a month. I called Dr.Rogers and she congratulated me. I wonder if I will have the opportunity to teach any of my friends. Hmmm.

Bachelorettes on a Full Moon

Saturday was Dan's bachelorette party. Carrie slept over the night before so that we would be on time the next morning, however we ran into a ridiculous amount of obstacles on our way to Dani's. Once we got there we found out that 2 more girls had yet to appear, go figure, a full moon makes everything more extreme, good or bad.

After Dani nearly had a panic attack the other two youngins showed up, making the head-count 7 and our limo was ready to roll. We popped a cork and told stories on the way there, blasting music and getting silly. We finally arrived at Pindar for our first tasting. We took a bunch of girly pictures and regretted not getting Dani a tiara.

Next we were off to Duckwalk for some more sips of north fork vino. We ate our lunch on the patio and made fun of other people taking the tour. We made a scavenger hunt of types of guys to find and take pictures with, however, this was more of a lofty idea than a realistic happening, as most of the people at the wineries were a) bachelorette parties, b) couples, c) old, or d) ugly. We strutted on, getting sillier and louder as we went.

Next we stopped at another vineyard (its name escapes me) where they had live music and hoards of guys, especially ones in pink shirts. We started talking to some loser with a hemp necklace and Carrie started making fun of me, saying I have friends with blow outs. I responded, and I quote "I have 600 friends on facebook, only ONE has a blow out!!". Yeah, only a drunken Nicole would say that.

Next we were off to another winery with more live music and horses. We stumbled around there for a few and then we got back in the limo and headed back to Dani's. The singing in the car was phenomenal. I really miss blasting girly music with a bunch of girls and singing at the top of my lungs. NYC transportation doesn't allow me this luxury.

An exciting bit of news. One of Dani's bridesmaids, Karyn, pretty much gave me a job teaching at Briarcliffe. I am so excited. This will give me excellent experience to throw on my resume, I am kind of nervous, but I know it will be a good step in the right direction. The only thing bugging me is that it is on Long Island and I sort of have an obligation to my apt in BK. She was saying stuff about teaching a class online. So I guess I could probably teach 2 classes over the summer or something. One online and the other in person, this would afford me only two days of commuting to LI.

We got back to dani's and there were two huge platters of sushi with all the trimmings waiting for us. We gobbled them down and started watching 'Bride Wars', quite possibly the perfect movie for the occasion. Lauren made the most delicious pie with cookie crumbles and a lot of alcohol (it was sOO good). After watching an hour of the movie, the Passion Party lady showed up. She reminded me of a mix of Boppy and June, so I automatically felt comfortable. We played some games, one of which required sort of musical chairs with no chairs but a dildo that you had to pass around in a circle with your knees. It was silly. I won!

After the passion party, I noticed a weird feeling in my mouth. Turns out I chipped my tooth on something. I called my uncle and now I have to go back up to Maine asap so that I don't get a cavity.

OH full moons what would I do without you?!

Paper Tiger

I just went to an orientation to volunteer/intern at paper tiger. Paper Tiger Television (PTTV) is an open, non-profit, volunteer video collective. Through the production and distribution of our public access series, media literacy/video production workshops, community screenings and grassroots advocacy PTTV works to challenge and expose the corporate control of mainstream media. PTTV believes that increasing public awareness of the negative influence of mass media and involving people in the process of making media is mandatory for our long-term goal of information equity.

I am thrilled, as the goals of this organization are very similar to the goals i hold in my own professional life. This will look excellent on my resume, as it is more suitable and subject-appropriate for what I want to do with my life. Check out the website if you get a chance. www.papertiger.org

Playing Hookie

Today I decided not to go to my favorite class because I didn't read the book that I was supposed to read. I NEVER miss class, so this shouldn't be a big deal. I will just e mail my prof, telling him I got sick or something. Woohoo. Hello early weekend! haha..and by that I mean, Hello cafe and books!

Anyone know where I can get an internship this summer? I am gonna be hurtin if I don't get a job soon.

Thai Tai For Good Eatin.

Today my dad, stepmom and step sis came into Brooklyn to visit. It made me really happy that they finally made it out, but sad that we didn't get to go up to Columbia because of stinky rush hour traffic. I took them into Williamsburg and we got yummy Thai food (my second day in a row at the same place). I think I may be slightly obsessed with coconut and curry induced foods. My dad and I looked at some books on the streets. I really like talking books with my dad. He was always reading when I was growing up, I guess this had a really big impact on me because now I pretty much read for a living. He made me the Twilight Soundtrack and some 8x10's of the movie too. Supercool!

After I got home from a delicious lunch, Jason and I decided to go to Target to pick up some sticks of wood for the apt. It was a silly trek on the subway into the city and back out to BK to get there and they didn't even have what I wanted. However, I did get an awesome new hooded flannel and a corduroy vest. I saw a trashy mag with the beloved lead of my obsession, Twilight, on the cover, so I had to have it. Turns out he is only 22 (his birthday is May 13, which makes him a Taurus) and is a total party animal. I am hoping I will run into him at some trendy NYC bar and we'll hit it off and maybe later on I will coax him into biting my neck, just for kicks. A girl can dream, cant she? OOH also, turns out he has a thing for taken girls. He had a major crush on his costar (Kristen Stewart) during the making of the film, who was dating someone else. Also, he was found macking it with Camilla Belle, who is none other than Joe Jonas's GF! I have a crush on Joe Jonas as well. Sooo basically, I wish I was Camilla Belle or Bella Swan...or something.

After a time consuming and excruciatingly tiring trip to Target, Jason and I were in silly giggly mode and decided to take naps. The rest of the evenings plans include going to Carrie's and watching movies on the couch. I live a tough life I know.

I have been looking into some non-profit organizations that I can maybe get a part time job working for. I figure that may be my best outlet because I will feel like I am actually making a difference to people who matter. I can't stick with a job normally because I find retailing salesperson positions to be too superficial and materialistic, waitressing too tiring and drug induced, and desk jobs too tedious and boring. I definitely don't want to be canvassing out on the streets, though. I would like to do something for the environment or help organize events for human rights or help the general public acknowledge their harmful habits to humankind, the earth or themselves that can be alleviated through a change of their course of daily activities.