Urban, Suburban and Beyond

Since I have moved I have become harder and more pretentious. This is good, I suppose, in the competitive world of academia and business, so I have definitely learned something here. However I feel like no matter how hard I try to avoid it, I still have my suburban-long island roots.

I know that most artists/writers have conflicted feelings about their homeland and I am no exception. Even though I have only been living off the island for 10 months, my outlook has drastically changed. I am more able to see the long island population from somewhat of an outside observer's perspective. This makes me want to move further away from long island, into another city or somewhere that I perceive would be better (though I know deep down that just maybe, LI is where I belong most). Maybe its not the place itself, but the people I am acquainted with that make me feel out of place. Maybe I just don't know where to meet the right people. Or maybe, people like me just don't hang out. That can't make any sense.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't feel like I belong anywhere, or maybe I just don't want to belong anywhere. It's not 'belonging' as much as fitting. Some people search the world to find somewhere they fit in, and then realize it was under their nose the whole time. Kind of like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.

I don't know, maybe a feeling of belonging isn't something that is ever stable or permanent. I know that I felt perfectly at home in my apt and like a family with my roomies a few months ago, but now I feel somewhat out of place because the new people that I have met out at bars who once seemed witty and mysterious really turned out to be boring and not worth my time. Maybe you have to actively search to belong or fit in, as it is something that is always changing with the dynamics of the people involved. I am going to keep chasing that rainbow, hopefully move to California for my doctorate, only to find out that the people on the west coast are just like the people on the east coast and I will have to go through disassociating myself all over again.

I found out that I am moving back to Long Island after I get back from Taiwan. My teaching job calls for work in Patchogue, and I do not want to commute, no sir! I am a bit disappointed that I have to move back home, as it felt so good to be somewhat independent. But I guess its for the best, especially since we are in a recession. Ugh, another crossroads lays out before me and I must say goodbye to the old and hello to the new.