GAH! I am so angry right now! I need to move.

Ok. So. I got back from Leigh, a lovely weekend with Kyle, we went horseback riding on the beach, nude swimming in the ocean, snorkeling, wine tasting and ate really yummy food; and I get this text from my flatmate Olive. It says "Hey nicole did you by any chance drink some beers that were in the fridge? mine seem to have ended up empty on the lawn"

I was offended that she asked me. I had been gone all weekend and I have my own beers in the fridge, thank you very much. I txted back and forth with her a few times today and everything seems to be OK. She is pissed that one of the guys lied to her about it. I feel like the second anything goes wrong here, I get the finger pointed at me because everyone i live with has known each other so long. I would never do something like that. I think its becoming a case of me Vs. them and I want to move out. Anyway, I took my meds this morning, and sometimes they give me the D. I must have gone to the bathroom 3x this morning before i left for work. I came home from work to find a note on the bathroom door saying "DEAR PERSON WHO LIKES TO LEAVE SKIDS + SHARDS OF SHIT IN THE TOILET ALL THE TIME. PLEASE CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF-THAT'D BE REALLY NEAT." I think I fucked up this morning and didn't flush twice, usually I am really good about it though. Sometimes I go in there and its messy and its not mine. But I have a feeling that this morning it was my fault. I will be more careful about it. But it was a really nasty note, I felt the hostility.

Needless to say, I want to move out sooner than planned. I just don't really feel any sort of connection to anyone I live with. I hate feeling like a hermit, holed up in my room. I hate feeling like an outsider in my own home. I want out. I feel bad that I will be screwing over John and the rest of the people I live with, but I just don't think I can live here for much longer. I don't hate anyone, I just hate that this house doesn't feel like a home. I want a family dammit. I don't have one here and I have never lived with people that I wanted to be a family with. It sucks.

PMS. WAH!

Ugh. I have been so moody this past week. The last time I went to yoga I cried almost the entire time. I've been known to get a little teary eyed after back bends, but this was intense and I couldn't stop it. I have been a bit worried this past week that I got pregnant of something because its been really intense, and my boobs are huge all the sudden. It turns out i'm due. Typical. I hope I get it soon though, cause or else ill start to worry fo rills.

A few things that have been pissing me off lately...

1) Kyle is leaving me.
2) I am homesick.
3) I lack freedom because i don't have a car/ i have to walk everywhere.
4) I thought I made rad new friends from Sponge bar, and the one whose number I have isn't returning my text. I have no idea why.
5) I want more money-I want to take an art class, buy a new bag, buy sneakers, buy work clothes.
6) I am bloated and I feel fat and my stomach hurts.

WAHHHH

OH and something else. I hate it when I go to yoga and I put my stuff down and then some idiot puts their stuff directly in front of me so i can't see the mirror. That's fucked.

All good things must come to an end.

So I told Kyle I loved him 2 days ago. Then I proceeded to cry like a baby during sex because he is leaving so soon. I think I just feel too much. I submitted my PhD proposal today. I am 99.9% sure I will get in. I can't spend the next 4+ years of my life hurting because the person I love lives far far away. Yes, I did think he was my soulmate. But with ends come new beginnings. I would like to catch up with him years from now and see where he is at. But we are both embarking on long term educations and I am pretty sure people change a lot during these. We had a lot of great times together and he really got me better than most people. I still love him as a person, I just have to force myself not to be in love with him.

I am starting to feel good about this ::takes another swig of green ginger wine:: I am just worried this relationship fits in with my trends of relationships...you know, how I fall for someone and the second that I can admit to myself that I love them,I break it off. Oh well. These relationships didn't work out for a reason I guess and they have helped me to get a better idea of what I do what. At least I leave with no baggage.

Let go of the old and embrace the new.

I had to say goodbye to one of my best friends of the last 5 months yesterday. I guess I have to focus on out of sight out of mind. I have a full life, I just wish it were filled with more meaningful connections. I am getting by. I miss home. Some days are better than others. I am baking cookies tonight and Kyle is coming over. I am going to try to drag him to a drag show haha. I got to talk to Carrie and Boppy on Skype today. That made me super happy/miss them more.

Obladi obla da, life goes on.