I am headed for the busiest week of my life. I move on Thursday. I am going to see MGMT Thursday night and I go to Welly Fri- Sun.
My lecture kinda sucked today. I am not so happy about that. Next weeks hasto be kick ass but i don't have nearly enough time to learn all the things I am supposed to know already. this is really scary and frustrating. I wish I could have someone else teach next week's class for me. Crap. I am pretty sure the cat is out of the bag as of today and that my students know I don't know as much about the topic as i should. Gah. Well...they can't expect me to be some genius, even though that would be ideal. I have never taught this class before OR 200 people. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. Definitely.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Let me sleep some more.
I have been having really weird dreams lately, but what else is new. I just had a really intense Tony moment and I felt an urge to write him a letter.
Dear Tony,
I can't say that I miss you because I can't picture you in my life anymore, since you have been gone for so long. I see similar qualities of yours in other people and find them autamatically endearing. I miss the safety I felt in your bedroom and the candid conversations we used to have. I miss that closeness you feel when you're with someone who has been friends though what you think of as the toughest years of your life. I think you would be proud of me. You probably didn't see my life as turning out like this. I wonder what you would be doing if you were alive. I hope you would still create art, perhaps get into graphic design or marketing. I just listened to dream to make believe and imagined I was in your bed with lauren and alex. I used to feel so safe then. Not that I don't feel safe now, its just...so different, who I am now. Then, I needed other people to make me feel safe. I think I have found safety within myself now. I have a lot more faith in me. It isn't good or bad, its just...different, I suppose. I really wish we could have continued growing up together. Perhaps in another life we can be close like we used to be. You were like a little ball of laughter and sass that made even the most awkward situations feel like home. I miss your spunky style, the way you were always reinventing yourself and your creativity. You were friends with so many people of so many different genres. I think we had that in common. I know that I am like you were in many ways and I am thankful that you influenced my life (minus giving me my first cigarette). I wish we could stay up all night and drive around listening to music. I would wish for that if I ever met a genie. You have forever made a mark on my heart. Thank you for being my guardian angel. I love you forever.
Nicole
Dear Tony,
I can't say that I miss you because I can't picture you in my life anymore, since you have been gone for so long. I see similar qualities of yours in other people and find them autamatically endearing. I miss the safety I felt in your bedroom and the candid conversations we used to have. I miss that closeness you feel when you're with someone who has been friends though what you think of as the toughest years of your life. I think you would be proud of me. You probably didn't see my life as turning out like this. I wonder what you would be doing if you were alive. I hope you would still create art, perhaps get into graphic design or marketing. I just listened to dream to make believe and imagined I was in your bed with lauren and alex. I used to feel so safe then. Not that I don't feel safe now, its just...so different, who I am now. Then, I needed other people to make me feel safe. I think I have found safety within myself now. I have a lot more faith in me. It isn't good or bad, its just...different, I suppose. I really wish we could have continued growing up together. Perhaps in another life we can be close like we used to be. You were like a little ball of laughter and sass that made even the most awkward situations feel like home. I miss your spunky style, the way you were always reinventing yourself and your creativity. You were friends with so many people of so many different genres. I think we had that in common. I know that I am like you were in many ways and I am thankful that you influenced my life (minus giving me my first cigarette). I wish we could stay up all night and drive around listening to music. I would wish for that if I ever met a genie. You have forever made a mark on my heart. Thank you for being my guardian angel. I love you forever.
Nicole
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Who am I?
I used to play this game a lot at home, where you take an index card or a small piece of paper and write the name of some famous or familiar person or character on it and stick it to someone elses forehead. You do this in a group and everyone has to ask yes or no questions in a circle, until they get a 'no'. You win by guessing your person/character first. Lately, I have been wondering who I am. It is so hard to see yourself through the eyes of another. So why am I so obsessed with always trying to?
Cooley's "looking glass self" is a psychological method where we try to see ourselves as others in our current social setting see us. We then act according to what they think of us. This is how I believe I have lived much of my life. This is a terrible way to attempt to learn about yourself, if you ask me. I really need to stop trying to live up to other people's standards of me. I know that at the end of the day I am alone, and at the end of life, we all die alone. This is a solitary journey where the meanings in my life are what I make them. I am not saying this in a depressing way, just a realistic one.
I mean, you can have your family and close friends who actually know you, but all the acquaintances you meet along the way are mostly tools. Tools to help you realize things about yourself, tools to teach you about the world, tools to help you appreciate what you have. You can be a tool for them to help them learn about themselves as well. I hope that I am a good tool.
RJ helped me realize something last night. He played therapist and made me realize that I need talk therapy more than I know. I just want to be liked. I can't let go of Cooley's looking glass self. I want people to think I am smart and witty, but I don't think I am smart or witty. I want people to think I am stylish, but I don't think I am stylish (sometimes). I want people to think they can tell me anything and be open with me, but I know I am not the most trustworthy person. I have a lot of conflicting ideas about myself and what I want others to see in me. I am a contradiction. I am still trying to figure out why this is. I cover it all up really well.
Cooley's "looking glass self" is a psychological method where we try to see ourselves as others in our current social setting see us. We then act according to what they think of us. This is how I believe I have lived much of my life. This is a terrible way to attempt to learn about yourself, if you ask me. I really need to stop trying to live up to other people's standards of me. I know that at the end of the day I am alone, and at the end of life, we all die alone. This is a solitary journey where the meanings in my life are what I make them. I am not saying this in a depressing way, just a realistic one.
I mean, you can have your family and close friends who actually know you, but all the acquaintances you meet along the way are mostly tools. Tools to help you realize things about yourself, tools to teach you about the world, tools to help you appreciate what you have. You can be a tool for them to help them learn about themselves as well. I hope that I am a good tool.
RJ helped me realize something last night. He played therapist and made me realize that I need talk therapy more than I know. I just want to be liked. I can't let go of Cooley's looking glass self. I want people to think I am smart and witty, but I don't think I am smart or witty. I want people to think I am stylish, but I don't think I am stylish (sometimes). I want people to think they can tell me anything and be open with me, but I know I am not the most trustworthy person. I have a lot of conflicting ideas about myself and what I want others to see in me. I am a contradiction. I am still trying to figure out why this is. I cover it all up really well.
"Look at me, oh look at me, is this the way I've always been?"
It has been a really eventful week, I suppose. Monday I lectured my first class at Uni. I felt like I totally choked and forgot all my big girl words. It was like a nightmare. I am sure it didn't go as bad as I thought it did, but at the time, I had the worst dry mouth, was sweaty as hell and fidgeting like no other. I realize that I didn't prep as much as I should have. I spent all my free time playing Cityville on facebook and watching romantic comedies. This is not the way to prepare for a lecture in front of almost 200 people.
Sometimes I need a kick in the ass or for something really embarrassing to happen in order to make a change in my life. Monday night after class, I ran into Louise on the street and made her come get a happy hour drink with me. I needed to forget how horrible i thought it went. All of the reflecting that I was doing was exacerbated by drinking, and my medications made me want to drink more. Finally, after about 4 glasses of wine and 2 bottles of bubbly, I spewed all over Jamses' bed and floor.
I had remembered in February thinking about taking a 2 week break from alcohol. This seemed like the right time to do it. So, Starting on the first of March (Tuesday) I decided to give up drinking for 2 weeks. This is a challenge. I don't think I have gone without a drink for 2 weeks since I was 20. I realize that I depend on it a lot to forget about things that I worry about, but I think in reality it perpetuates my worries because I worry that I need a drink all the time and drinks cost money which I don't have. Yeah, my life may be slightly less eventful for a little while, but at least I will remember what is going on. I do remember, back before I became dependent on alcohol, that things meant a lot more.
I am actually hoping that this 2 weeks teaches me something, that I don't need to drink as much as I thought I did, and that I don't have to drink at every social event, and that I can be fun and social without alcohol.
If I don't drink as much, then eventually I think I will give up smoking, since the time when I am most inclined to smoke is when I am drinking. I think this will be a turning point in my life. I need to see things clearer, to know where I am going. Because I know where I am going is great, and I don't want to miss my exit and get lost in the haze.
Sometimes I need a kick in the ass or for something really embarrassing to happen in order to make a change in my life. Monday night after class, I ran into Louise on the street and made her come get a happy hour drink with me. I needed to forget how horrible i thought it went. All of the reflecting that I was doing was exacerbated by drinking, and my medications made me want to drink more. Finally, after about 4 glasses of wine and 2 bottles of bubbly, I spewed all over Jamses' bed and floor.
I had remembered in February thinking about taking a 2 week break from alcohol. This seemed like the right time to do it. So, Starting on the first of March (Tuesday) I decided to give up drinking for 2 weeks. This is a challenge. I don't think I have gone without a drink for 2 weeks since I was 20. I realize that I depend on it a lot to forget about things that I worry about, but I think in reality it perpetuates my worries because I worry that I need a drink all the time and drinks cost money which I don't have. Yeah, my life may be slightly less eventful for a little while, but at least I will remember what is going on. I do remember, back before I became dependent on alcohol, that things meant a lot more.
I am actually hoping that this 2 weeks teaches me something, that I don't need to drink as much as I thought I did, and that I don't have to drink at every social event, and that I can be fun and social without alcohol.
If I don't drink as much, then eventually I think I will give up smoking, since the time when I am most inclined to smoke is when I am drinking. I think this will be a turning point in my life. I need to see things clearer, to know where I am going. Because I know where I am going is great, and I don't want to miss my exit and get lost in the haze.
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