Freaking Out.

OK. So i have been having a really stressful few weeks. I feel like conflicts have been coming up more than enough and I miss the carefree, funny me. I feel like I am all work and no play. I really enjoy teaching sometimes, but a lot of the times I just feel inadequate. I have never questioned that this is what I want to do. I realize that I need to put a lot more time into it in order to make it perfect. It's just that I am such a perfectionist, and it hurts me when things don't happen as planned. I try and i try. The other day, I got made a fool of in front of my peers and superiors and it was video taped. I don't even know what to say. I have a lot of classroom management to learn and I know I have to change who I am to become who I want to be. But honestly, I don't know if I am ready to give up being fun and having a good time. I miss being a student. I know that I am still a student, because I keep learning new things from people and places in my life, I just miss knowing that I am good at something.
I am so lonely that it hurts. I mean, I have amazing friends and family, but I feel like something is missing and I know I don't have time for it right now, so its like I am forced to deny it.
I had the most terrible dream last night. A huge metallic ball that looked like Grimace (from McDonalds) came down from the sky and landed in Manhattan/Brooklyn area. It opened up and out crawled military men and tanks, and there was a Huge (cherry-picker-like) giraffe (like the guy from Toys R' Us) machine gun thing, that made a horrible sound. There were all these other types of demolition type machine/motor vehicles. Everyone was shooting and forcing people to eat McDonalds. My friends and I didn't want to eat McDonalds, so we had to run. They even blew up the Statue of Liberty! There was this one point where they were making a speech and the statue of liberty's hand kept going up and down, almost like it was playing a joke on us. Then it fell and the roaring war continued. Me and my bff in the dream went to visit the demolished statue of liberty and it felt dangerous. For most of the dream, I was just trying to escape all the gun shots/explosions.
It all felt so real. I felt SO angry and disgusted and I went back to long island in my dream, I actually went to Syosset to see if my family was still there, and everyone had died. So I came back to the city, to find it to be a fighting zone.
My friends and I kept returning to this diner/bar to find refuge. It was still dangerous, because the military men kept doing raids every so often. I remember going into the diner/bar in my dream and talking to Elton from clueless in a photobooth. I thought he was on our side, but at one point, in the photo booth in my dream, he turned on me and started shooting. I ran up the stairs and up more and more stairs and finally found myself cowering in the corner of the attic. In my dream, I remember feeling like Ann Frank and relating all this to the Holocaust.
Yeah. I probably sound psycho, but this really freaked me out. I awoke in a panic and spent the day questioning everything.
Also, some random person, I don't know who it is keeps iming me and threatening and harassing me. That has been adding to my stress, amongst a slough of other things.

The 9 of Pentacles.

Tomorrow is my first day of teaching, so I decided to do my tarot. It was weird. My deck was very well shuffled and I managed to get the pope, popess, emperor and empress all in one shot. That is really, really, really rare. Especially since they are right next to each other in a deck that is in order (which mine werent). Anyway, the strangest and most meaningful part of my reading was the 5th card that I laid out, which was the 9 of disks or pentacles. That symbolized something that I will sill be confronted with. This is what one of my books read...

Your presence in the world makes a difference. You have brought something into the world that enriches it. Therefore, don't hide your light and your beauty! Be generous and show the people around you the kind of treasures you have to give and remember that you yourself are a treasure.
If you want people to notice your inner treasures you must express them in both the large and small things in life. First, however, you will discover that some habits exist without any thought on your part, and some of these are not to your liking. You must, therefore, take charge of your own life and give it form and your personal stamp. This work is similar to the hard work that has to be accomplished in the vineyards. But the result of your troubles is like a superior wine In wine there is truth, and you must make your own truth fruitful.

The Haunted Pod Village of San-Zhi

This is really cool. I wanna go here next time I am in Taiwan.
http://www.jpgmag.com/stories/4622